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When I was pursuing my master’s degree in viola performance, I was awarded a competitive scholarship to the prestigious Aspen Music Festival in Aspen, CO. To say I was surprised would be an understatement; I worried everyone around me would share my disbelief. I feared the judges had made an error, convinced that many other musicians were far more talented than I. Despite my best efforts to maintain my composure, feelings of unworthiness consumed me.
During the festival, my insecurities were confirmed when a fellow violist remarked that she didn’t care what anyone else thought; she believed I deserved the scholarship. It felt as if she had ripped away my insides. I returned to my dorm in tears, and the next day, I experienced a panic attack during my lesson. From that point on, I shied away from performing solo in front of others. The judges’ validation meant little to me when I felt my peers were judging me harshly.
The ego can be a complex entity. It can foster unshakeable confidence or plunge us into deep self-doubt. Criticism, particularly from those whose opinions we value, can devastate our self-esteem. At the time of my scholarship win, I hadn’t yet learned to distinguish whose judgments should weigh more heavily on me. My self-worth was tied to my skills as well as how others viewed those skills, leading me to take all criticism to heart. This was my first major error.
Evaluate the Source
Many argue that the only opinion that truly matters is your own. I see it differently. We exist within families, communities, and social circles where our actions have consequences. Most of us have at least one person whose perspective we deeply respect. If my partner critiques me, it’s because they have my best interests at heart. The same goes for my sister, mother, children, writing partner, and supervisors.
If you tell yourself you won’t care about anyone’s opinion, you’re likely setting yourself up for disappointment. You will and should care about the thoughts of certain individuals in your life. The key is to identify who can breach the walls around your ego and offer feedback that you’ll accept.
Strangers online often criticize my writing, claiming I’m terrible at it. Honestly, I couldn’t care less about their opinions. Their criticism usually lacks substance and often contains errors themselves, making it easy to dismiss, even chuckle at.
If you have a toxic person in your life who constantly undermines you with unwarranted criticism, it can erode your confidence. You might find yourself trying to meet their standards to avoid their negativity. But remember, their opinion holds no more weight than random trolls on the internet. If they make you feel bad about yourself, their feedback is not worth your time.
Approach Constructive Criticism with a Growth Mindset
Recognizing whose opinions matter is just the beginning; the next challenge is to receive feedback from those we respect without feeling completely crushed. When I first collaborated with my writing partner, she returned my piece filled with edits—red ink everywhere. I felt like I had been torn apart. Her opinion was so important to me that I equated her critique of my work with a critique of my very being.
I needed to shift my perspective. My writing partner aimed to help me improve, not to criticize me personally. Her feedback was just that—feedback. I didn’t have to accept every suggestion, but since I valued her opinion, it made sense to consider each one.
After giving myself a moment to recover from my bruised ego, I was able to view her criticism as an opportunity for growth. Writing is a skill that can always be refined; my work doesn’t define my identity. There’s always room for improvement.
It’s natural to feel a punch to the gut when facing criticism. We’re human, after all. We want to succeed, and it can be embarrassing to acknowledge our flaws. However, it’s crucial to step back and assess criticism objectively: Who is providing the feedback? Should their opinion matter to you? If the answer is yes, then even if you feel that initial sting, it’s okay. You can still cultivate a growth mindset.
If someone’s criticism is valuable to you, it signifies that they care about your success. They’re not there to see you fail. So, gather yourself, dust yourself off, and consider how you can use their constructive feedback to grow and evolve. No one can fault you for that.
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Summary
Dealing with criticism can be challenging, especially when it comes from those we respect. Learning to differentiate between constructive feedback and harmful criticism is essential for personal growth. It’s important to evaluate the source of criticism and approach it with a mindset geared towards improvement. Remember that constructive criticism reflects caring and a desire for your success, while toxic feedback should be dismissed.
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