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The other day, while rummaging through my jewelry box for a pair of earrings, I came across a tarnished ring that I had long forgotten. As I held it in my hand, memories flooded back, though they weren’t particularly joyful. If you grew up in the eighties and attended a Christian youth group, you might also have worn a ‘True Love Waits’ ring, a symbol that adorned many a left ring finger.
As I examined the ring, I noted its solid form, but the silver had dulled over time. The bold black letters that declared my commitment to remain sexually pure until marriage still stood out, defying the years. Unfortunately, my upbringing in purity culture only left me with feelings of shame, anger, and confusion.
The mission behind the True Love Waits movement was to honor God by abstaining from sex until marriage, which was expected to occur between a Christian man and woman. Back then, same-sex marriage wasn’t recognized, and any deviation from this script was deemed unacceptable. We were taught to save our virginity until we said “I do.” Once married, however, the expectation was to engage in sex for the purpose of procreation, with the new title of “parent” taking precedence over “newlywed.”
Navigating intimacy post-marriage was a daunting task for us. We received no education about sex, bodies, or consent; the only message before marriage was a stern “don’t do it.” The thought of being caught, either through pregnancy or STDs, was terrifying and added to our anxiety.
The issue wasn’t waiting until marriage for sex; if that’s your choice, that’s perfectly fine. The problem lies in the toxic rhetoric of True Love Waits, which was steeped in guilt and shame. How did those in leadership expect us to transition seamlessly from being unmarried to married while carrying the weight of such damaging beliefs? The conditioning that sex was sinful made the transition to a healthy sexual relationship extremely challenging.
We were teenagers grappling with the idea that our natural urges could lead us straight to hell. We navigated crushes on Saturdays only to repent on Sundays, creating a cycle of confusion and guilt. For someone like me, who thrived on perfectionism, True Love Waits became an all-consuming obsession. I questioned God’s love, worried about the threshold of judgment, and struggled with the conflict between my faith and desires. It complicated not just my relationships but also my bond with God.
Dating was intended as a pathway to marriage, though we didn’t use that term explicitly. Group dates were only for those deemed “marriage material,” which meant they had to be Christian and a virgin. We were told that sex complicates relationships, binding partners in a sacred emotional union. Our education on the topic was limited to a few out-of-context Bible verses.
The only youth group member who became pregnant faced intense pressure to marry her boyfriend quickly. The narrative was clear: marriage would legitimize their relationship and erase their shame. Divorce was also off the table, so choosing wisely was crucial.
Pushing teenagers to find “the one” as fast as possible is absurd. We were led to believe that, “it’s better to marry than to burn with passion,” which only fueled our already overwhelming urges. The implication was clear: we should act on those desires with our soulmate after marriage.
The most profound issue with True Love Waits is the shame it instilled in everyone involved, regardless of their choices. Those who had sex before marriage were taught to fear God’s judgment, while those who waited struggled for years to unlearn harmful messages about their bodies, intimacy, and relationships. Members of the LGBTQ+ community received messages that they were somehow wrong or sinful.
Unfortunately, there are no real winners in this narrative. Many have recognized that True Love Waits is not about purity but a culture of shame, and they have sought therapy and education to overcome it. However, numerous individuals still suffer in silence, perpetuating these toxic beliefs to the next generation.
If you were part of the True Love Waits culture like I was, I want to remind you that God loves you unconditionally, and your past does not define your worth. It’s also worth noting that Joshua Harris, the author of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” which sold over a million copies promoting sexual purity, has since distanced himself from those ideas. We have the opportunity to raise our children better, allowing open discussions about their bodies, relationships, and consent.
I chose not to discard my True Love Waits ring; it serves as a reminder of my journey. I am happily married to the man I “waited” for, but I believe our relationship thrives because we stepped away from the damaging ideology of shame and embraced our authentic selves.
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- True Love Waits impact on relationships
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Summary:
The experience of wearing a ‘True Love Waits’ ring reflects the complexities and pressures of purity culture. Many individuals grapple with feelings of shame, confusion, and guilt instilled by messages surrounding sex and relationships. While some have found ways to heal and embrace their authentic selves, the long-lasting impact of these teachings remains a challenge for many. It’s essential to approach discussions about sexuality and relationships with openness and understanding, ensuring future generations are not burdened by toxic ideologies.
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