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June is a vibrant month filled with rainbow flags, colorful shirts, and all sorts of Pride merchandise. But in my home, it feels starkly absent. You see, while I identify as a queer woman, I am still in the closet. Very few people are aware of my true self, making this month a complex time for me. It highlights the gap between who I wish to be and who I currently am. Rather than feeling empowered and proud, I often find myself feeling trapped, quiet, and ashamed.
Growing up, I always sensed that I was different from those around me. I lacked the intimacy and passion that seemed to define my peers. Romance never appealed to me in the way it did for others. I wasn’t captivated by romantic comedies and found little enjoyment in popular portrayals of love. Shows like “Friends” and “Dawson’s Creek” did not resonate with me. Even though I had boyfriends and engaged with the idea of romance—once dreaming of being swept off my feet by a Prince Charming—I found very few boys attractive. I could easily count them on one hand. Eventually, I did find love in one of them, and he became my husband. We married and started a family, welcoming two kids into our lives.
Yet, I always felt that something was missing. It took me years to articulate it, but last June, I shared my feelings with my husband: “I think I’m gay.” Now, I identify as queer, but my openness remains limited.
My husband knows, and we are currently navigating this new chapter together with the help of counseling. My psychiatrist and therapist were aware even before I accepted my own truth, and a few close friends are in the loop. However, that’s where my openness ends, which makes this silence feel unbearable. I yearn to embrace my sexuality and be my authentic self. I want to declare, “I’m here, and I’m queer!” with pride. I dream of celebrating in the streets, dancing joyfully, and wearing rainbow apparel. It might seem trivial, but I long to be recognized for who I truly am.
Unfortunately, I find myself hiding in the shadows, supporting the LGBTQ community from the sidelines. This experience can be painful and isolating. I often feel like an imposter or a fraud. In a sea of colorful expressions of pride, I feel invisible. Anger at myself has led me down dark paths, but I remind myself that there is no set timeline for coming out. Silence doesn’t erase my identity.
So, this Pride month, I’m choosing to shift my perspective. Instead of allowing anger and sadness to prevail, I will embrace my journey. When I see a rainbow flag, I’ll smile softly, recognizing that this community is my family, regardless of my closeted status. I will practice self-acceptance and love, celebrating my identity as it is, without needing public displays to validate who I am. I will silence the negative thoughts full of shame and hurt, reclaiming my space.
While I may not be out to everyone, I have come out to myself, and that alone is a significant milestone worth celebrating. Recognizing my truth is a crucial step in my journey.
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In summary, this Pride Month serves as a personal reminder of my journey and the journey of many others. While I may not yet be fully out, I celebrate my identity and the steps I’ve taken to accept myself. Pride is not solely about visibility; it’s also about personal acknowledgment and growth.
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