Trigger Warning: Abuse
artificial insemination kit for humans
I always recognized that my relationship was unhealthy, yet my hopes for marriage and a family overshadowed my instincts. The toxicity was so apparent that just a week before my wedding, my father offered me money over lunch to reconsider — not out of spite, but out of genuine concern for my wellbeing.
My ex-partner had a history of aggression, which escalated into cruel and abusive behavior fueled by alcohol. While the physical abuse was minimal, the verbal and emotional torment was a frequent ordeal, with hurtful words like “slut” and phrases like “you are nothing without me” being his favorites for inflicting pain. Things escalated to such a level that one night, my father had to find me a hotel room after my ex attempted to grab the steering wheel while driving, threatening to crash us. I believe he wanted me harmed but didn’t want to be perceived as the villain. Still, I remained, convinced that having a child would somehow transform him into a better person.
When our daughter was born in 2016, the situation deteriorated. This wasn’t her fault, but a narcissist will use anything, especially the most precious part of your life, as leverage. He manipulated our daughter to gaslight me further.
The arguments became so intense that my toddler would curl up on top of me, as if her small frame could shield me from the emotional onslaught. He even threw me out of our home in the middle of the night, packing my suitcase while drunk. I ended up driving 45 minutes to my parents’ house, knocking on the door at 3 a.m. only to be met by my mother’s knowing expression that conveyed, “I already know what happened.”
There were never any apologies or signs of remorse for his actions. It was then that I realized I was no longer married to a person but to a monster. Calling me derogatory names, physically assaulting me, and then pretending to be a loving husband in public were not acts of love.
Eventually, I took my daughter and left with only a suitcase of her belongings. He might not have understood love, but I did — and I found it in my daughter’s face. We escaped so she would never have to endure the pain of losing me to her father. We left so she could experience a nurturing environment devoid of chaos. We departed so that as she grew, she would recognize what true love felt like and never doubt her worth because I didn’t understand mine.
Nearly five years later, we are thriving and safe. My almost five-year-old now enjoys a loving home with me, her stepfather, and her brothers. To this day, I have never received an apology or acknowledgment of his wrongdoings, yet I find solace in knowing he will face the consequences one day — not from me, but from himself. We are liberated from the emotional scars of the past.
This article was originally published on June 5, 2021.
For more discussions on family and relationships, check out this other blog post. If you’re interested in home insemination, visit Make a Mom for authoritative resources. You can also read this excellent guide at Rmany’s blog for pregnancy and home insemination insights.
Leave a Reply