My Motherly Guilt Garden Is Overgrown, and I’m Overwhelmed

Growing up as an only child with a working mom, I have vivid memories of my childhood summers. One particularly strange day, I found myself glued to the TV Guide Channel, watching the scrolling programming schedule for hours on end. Yes, I spent an entire day in front of that screen, transfixed. My mom, on the other hand, was busy with her own work and never felt a hint of guilt about it.

She ran a trucking business from home long before the digital age made remote work easier. I learned early on that even though she was physically present, she was often preoccupied. My mother was a trailblazer, balancing motherhood with a demanding career in a male-dominated field. While she was always available to provide meals and help with school, entertaining me was not part of the job description. As an only child, I had to learn to entertain myself, and guess what? My mom never showed any signs of guilt.

Mom guilt—like parent guilt—has been around for ages, but it seems more pronounced in today’s culture. When did we start feeling pressured to plan meaningful activities and entertainment for our children? When did working or not working become a source of guilt? When did we begin to feel selfish for wanting time to ourselves? Social media likely played a significant role in amplifying these feelings.

I’ve come to think of mom guilt as a bouquet of flowers, where each stem represents a different reason for feeling guilty. My first stem emerged when my son didn’t speak until he was two. Friends suggested I get him a speech therapist while they shared stories about their children’s playdates and activities. I started second-guessing my parenting choices.

Over the years, I’ve accumulated a hefty bouquet filled with stems of guilt: working too much, quitting my job, not engaging my kids in enough activities, introducing too many, co-sleeping, choosing between breastfeeding and bottle-feeding, and so much more. My collection is substantial and often feels burdensome.

I reached out on social media to ask fellow parents what made them feel guilty. The responses were overwhelming. Here are some common themes:

1. Balancing Work and Home Life

Many parents, including myself, feel torn between committing to their careers and being home with their kids. It’s essential to recognize that you’re making the best choices for your family. Research suggests that children of working mothers often thrive, both personally and professionally.

2. Taking Time for Yourself

Many parents struggle with guilt when they carve out personal time. Recently, I had a rare six-hour stretch alone and relished every moment. Remember, a refreshed parent is a happier one. Prioritize self-care—it’s vital for your well-being and, by extension, your children’s happiness.

3. Not Playing with Them Enough

Reflecting on my own childhood, my mom didn’t often engage in playtime with me, yet I turned out fine. Kids will remember the feelings of love and support you provide rather than specific activities.

4. Feeling Guilty for Not Experiencing Guilt

Some parents feel excluded from the “mom club” if their children seem to be thriving without the usual struggles. Don’t let that make you feel guilty; every child has their unique challenges.

5. Personalizing Guilt

Every parent’s experience is different. What might weigh heavily on me may not affect someone else and vice versa. We need to support each other in our parenting journeys.

Ultimately, parenting involves sacrifices, and it’s crucial for parents to feel recognized and valued. After all, this is why we cherish occasions like Mother’s Day. Feeling valued in various aspects of life—work, relationships, and parenting—can help ease the burdens of guilt.

Let’s work on nurturing our gardens of mom guilt and remember to refresh them from time to time.

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In summary, the pressures of modern parenting can create a heavy sense of guilt. However, it’s important to recognize that every parent’s journey is unique. Self-care and acceptance are key to navigating these feelings in a healthy way.