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My partner and I married young—at just twenty-one. We weren’t ready for children right away, especially with my PCOS complicating things. Our first child arrived just before my twenty-eighth birthday, and we both wanted two more. I had no desire to have back-to-back kids, so I thought I had until thirty-five to complete our family—after all, isn’t that the common belief?
We’ve all heard the warnings about how fertility supposedly declines after thirty-five. There’s always that one relative who insists you won’t have the energy to manage kids if you don’t have them in your twenties or early thirties. As I started my family journey, thirty-five felt like an impending deadline, adding unnecessary stress.
I welcomed my second child at thirty-one, but life took unexpected turns. My PCOS became more troublesome, I dealt with a heartbreaking miscarriage and an ovarian cancer scare (thankfully, it turned out to be something else), and I lost a fallopian tube. By the time I hit thirty-four, we still hadn’t achieved our goal of a third child, and I felt the weight of ticking time. Was thirty-five the end of the line?
Fate intervened, and I found myself pregnant that spring, with our third child arriving a month and a half after I turned thirty-five. When I shared my age with medical staff, they often remarked, “Oh, right on time!” One of my aunts even asked, “This is the last one, right? You’re nearly thirty-five!”
Having my last baby taught me a valuable lesson: Forget the notion of a thirty-five-year deadline. And ignore anyone who suggests you can’t have a healthy, joyful pregnancy in your late thirties. I regret worrying about how I’d feel as a mom over forty when my youngest started kindergarten. I can’t believe I ever doubted my energy or stamina to care for her if I waited until my mid-thirties or later. It was all so unnecessary. I truly believe I’m a better mom to my youngest because I have the wisdom that comes with experience, financial stability, and no need to prove anything to anyone.
If I wanted to—and hadn’t made the decision to close the door on more kids after my last C-section—I could have children for years to come and still have the energy to raise them well. My mid-thirties baby isn’t missing anything that her older brother received, except perhaps the anxiety of new motherhood. If we had wanted a fourth child, I would have been in great health to make that happen, even at nearly thirty-seven.
As anyone who has reached this milestone will tell you, thirty-five is not as old as it seems when you’re twenty-five. It’s still quite young. Many of us are still figuring out what we want to do with our lives at thirty-five. Some of us work diligently from our teen years to our thirties to carve out our dream careers. Others may not want to become parents until they’ve built a stable life.
There are countless valid reasons for having children after thirty-five, and not a single one of them is anyone else’s concern. If you chose to have your children young, that’s perfectly fine. My close friend had her first child at twenty and was pregnant with her second shortly after my wedding. She has a graduating senior and a freshman while I have a third grader, a kindergartener, and a toddler. We followed different paths without judgment or regret.
The key is that my friend doesn’t look at my baby and say things like, “How do you manage? I could never handle a baby at this stage!” She understands that she’s not too old or tired to have a baby now; it simply isn’t the life she chose.
There’s no moral superiority in having your family completed before thirty-five. Celebrities like Anna Kendrick, Robert Pattinson, Chrissy Teigen, Ruby Rose, and Lady Gaga are all thirty-five, and we’re certainly not sending them to retirement homes just yet.
I admit, my pregnancy at thirty-five was somewhat more challenging than the others, but that could have been due to having two other children. Who knows if age played a role? We all have to respect biology. While we know that fertility can start to decline in our mid-thirties, it’s not like your reproductive system suddenly shuts down the moment you turn thirty-five.
Many individuals enjoy healthy pregnancies well into their forties. It’s essential to understand how age might affect your fertility and collaborate with your doctor to achieve your family goals, but there’s no reason to see thirty-five as a strict cutoff. And there’s certainly no reason to tolerate anyone who thinks it is.
Thirty-five is not “too old” to become an outstanding parent. Everyone can evaluate their health and fertility with a doctor and determine any risks based on their history. While one person might need to complete their family earlier, that doesn’t apply to everyone. Modern science offers numerous options to assist.
Many of us likely have plenty of viable years left for childbearing after thirty-five, so let’s dismiss this outdated notion of a deadline.
This article was originally published on June 11, 2021.
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In summary, choosing to have children after the age of thirty-five is a personal decision that should not be viewed as a limitation. With the right support and information, many people can have happy, healthy pregnancies well into their late thirties and beyond.
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