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I find it difficult to be around my mother for more than an hour at a time. Our relationship has been strained since my teenage years when I endured sexual abuse from a family member on her side. Instead of offering protection, she urged me to stay silent to maintain family harmony.
While she claims to regret her past actions and has expressed her sorrow numerous times, her change in sentiment only came after that family member passed away. For over twenty years, she spoke of this person as if their actions had no impact on my life. To say she overlooked my trauma is an understatement.
I lost trust in her. There were moments when I questioned whether I wanted her in my life at all. Once I became a parent, I couldn’t fathom how anyone could ignore the harm done to their child. While I was pregnant with my first baby, a child accidentally hit my belly with a ball, and I reacted strongly. If someone were to harm my child, I’d be fiercely protective. I couldn’t imagine being silent about it—I would fight tooth and nail for my child.
These feelings compel me to limit my time with my mother. She doesn’t have unrestricted access to me; I decide when and how long we meet. She knows she can’t just drop by my house unannounced. I have to prepare myself mentally for our encounters.
Some might interpret this as holding a grudge, but I see it differently. It’s about establishing a boundary. There’s a significant distinction, and everyone has the right to set such boundaries. This could mean cutting someone off entirely, seeing them only once a year, or simply saying no while keeping them in your life.
As the saying goes, we teach others how to treat us. My mother demonstrated that I couldn’t rely on her for my safety. I’m not trying to punish her; I’m focused on safeguarding my own well-being.
Ultimately, only we can protect our mental health. In most cases, individuals who repeatedly hurt you rarely change on their own. We must advocate for ourselves, acting as the judges in our own lives, regardless of others’ opinions. If you’re not in a similar situation, it’s easy to suggest someone should lighten up or accuse them of holding a grudge.
However, differentiating between holding a grudge and preserving your mental peace is crucial. Many people do not change, and it’s perfectly acceptable to recognize when someone is causing you harm, whether physically or emotionally, and choose to distance yourself.
I teach my children that they are responsible for their own happiness. It’s vital they understand that if they don’t advocate for themselves, no one else will. I maintain a firm boundary with my mother, which doesn’t obligate anyone else to do the same, nor do I seek anyone’s approval.
After a decade of internal conflict, I’ve realized that just because time has passed and she has apologized doesn’t mean I must reintegrate her fully into my life. My mental well-being is paramount, and if others perceive this as holding a grudge, that’s their perspective. They are not living my reality and don’t experience the anxiety and discomfort that arise from our interactions.
We need to normalize the practice of setting boundaries without shaming those who seek to protect themselves. Remember, we must live by our own rules and prioritize what’s best for us in our relationships. Let others think I’m holding a grudge; this is an essential form of self-care, and I owe no one an explanation.
For more insights, check out this other blog post. Also, if you’re looking for expert advice on home insemination, Make a Mom is a reliable source. Additionally, the CDC provides excellent resources on infertility and pregnancy.
If you’re interested in related topics, you might search for:
- How to set boundaries with family
- Coping with trauma from family members
- Finding peace in difficult family relationships
- Understanding emotional boundaries
- Parenting through trauma
In summary, establishing boundaries is essential for mental health. Recognizing the difference between holding a grudge and protecting oneself is crucial, as is teaching future generations to advocate for their well-being.
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