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This scenario has recurred so often that I now have a sort of script for it. It happened again yesterday—on Valentine’s Day.
I was chatting with a guy who seemed genuinely nice. He was smart and good-looking, and it looked like there was mutual interest. He complimented me on being funny, bright, and beautiful. But then there was the catch: he believed I could be incredibly attractive if I just shed some pounds.
He expressed concern that I might take offense, to which I replied that I wasn’t offended. I acknowledged his attraction and wished him well in finding what he seeks. I shared with him that I had previously been very thin, having starved myself, consumed pills instead of food, and that I now love my body more than ever. I’m healthier now, and if he prioritizes thinness, he should seek someone else.
This part always catches them off guard. They seem to think they’re offering helpful advice, as if it’s something I’ve never heard before. Do they really think they’re the first to suggest I lose weight? I grew up with a white mother who was a model and faced the pressure of unrealistic body standards. I’m well-versed in the expectations placed on women, particularly from the perspective of white men. It seems they’re not truly concerned about my health; they just want a woman to flaunt, someone they can show off as a trophy.
There’s also this bizarre notion that I must have never been thin. If I had, surely I’d want to maintain that ideal. They seem genuinely surprised when I mention that I once garnered attention from affluent white men and, honestly, it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I was not happier then; I’m far more content now, embracing my body and living my life on my own terms.
As a Latina, there’s this expectation that I’m on some sort of hero’s journey, where a white man’s validation can somehow fix my perceived shortcomings. The very idea that I was once deemed “perfect” by a white man and chose to pursue a different path completely contradicts the notion that my existence revolves around them.
I don’t always say all of this, as it feels pointless. I simply inform him that we can just be friends.
He backtracks, suddenly showering me with compliments about my fragrance and how he enjoys our conversations. I tell him that’s wonderful, but I’m not interested in anything romantic.
I’m only interested in those who appreciate me as I am. How can I feel at ease with someone who’s constantly thinking of how I “could be” if I lost weight?
I might weigh less one day or perhaps more, but the white men who suggest I lose weight need to step aside for men of diverse backgrounds who appreciate me for the complete package I am.
Why do I specifically mention white men? Because this is a recurring issue I face primarily with them. Not all white men, of course, but when it happens, it’s evident enough that I recognize a pattern, complete with my internal script.
It feels as though they’re offering me a charity that I’m expected to accept. As a Latina, I feel pressured to say yes to a relationship with a white man, and therefore, it’s acceptable for them to impose conditions on me—conditions that demand I be everything at once. I have to be thin, funny, and intelligent, while a white woman simply needs to be herself, and somehow that’s considered equal.
When I express my distaste and reject such an “offer,” they realize they’ve miscalculated. I don’t prioritize their whiteness over my self-love, health, or self-respect.
Consequently, like the man I spoke with, they begin to backtrack, trying to reclaim my attention. They see what they’re losing, but it’s too late because I’ve already recognized the red flag.
They can’t pretend their concern is about my health, as I’m healthier and more fit now than I’ve ever been. I rarely drink alcohol or coffee, and I don’t smoke. I work out daily. They can’t argue it’s for any reason other than their own desires. If they threaten to leave me for thinner white women, I’m completely fine with that.
I refuse to justify my worth by losing weight, being smart, funny, or overly accommodating. My identity is for myself, and that realization often leaves them shocked.
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In summary, the article discusses the author’s recurring experiences with white men suggesting she lose weight, reflecting on societal standards of beauty and the desire for self-acceptance. It emphasizes the importance of appreciating oneself without conforming to external pressures and highlights the author’s journey towards self-love and confidence.
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