Understanding My Pregnancy Anxieties Despite Knowing How Reproduction Works

It’s tough to admit, but I find myself grappling with this reality. I used to look down on those who frequently dealt with unexpected pregnancies; I mean, we’re adults here, right? We should understand how reproduction functions.

However, I now find myself in a similar situation. Despite meticulously tracking my ovulation and not specifically wanting a fifth child, my partner and I often skip condoms during intercourse. Thanks to biology, my desire for intimacy peaks when I’m fertile, making matters even more complicated. Then comes the agonizing wait of two weeks to check for pregnancy. I refuse to splurge on expensive pregnancy tests, especially since I no longer stock the bulk test strips I once did, leading to that stressful uncertainty where every premenstrual symptom could signal a potential pregnancy.

There have been times when I warned my partner about my ovulation, yet when the moment arrived, we still didn’t use protection. What can I say? We enjoy a little thrill.

The truth is, this is all preventable. I grasp the fundamentals of human biology and have successfully conceived four times, alongside writing extensively about fertility and pregnancy. So why do I keep finding myself in this predicament?

My Aversion to Contraception

Firstly, I simply can’t stand condoms. It’s an irrational aversion; I’m not even sure if I can perceive a difference, but the thought of using them just rubs me the wrong way. Even when I prepare to use them, they often remain untouched.

Secondly, I refuse to return to hormonal birth control. After spending over a decade on it and then having four children in a row, I feel like I’ve done my time. Why should the burden of preventing pregnancy fall solely on me? Yes, I recognize that getting pregnant again would be a significant issue, but shouldn’t my partner also consider the responsibility of not making me pregnant?

I know I could opt for a copper IUD, but I’m not interested. A tubal ligation was an option I might’ve considered had my last child required a C-section, but I simply don’t want to deal with any more birth control responsibilities.

Couldn’t my partner just get a vasectomy? The process is straightforward — watch a video, schedule an appointment, and have a minor outpatient procedure. After a brief recovery, he could be back in action, ensuring we don’t have more children.

To be fair, my partner isn’t against the idea of a vasectomy; he just hasn’t found the time to schedule it. It’s been 4.5 years since our last child, so what’s the hold-up?

The Knowledge Gap

Additionally, there’s a significant knowledge gap when it comes to understanding the female reproductive system. When I informed my partner that I was four days late, he expressed frustration at the possibility of another child. I reminded him that I had previously mentioned my ovulation, to which he admitted he didn’t truly understand what that meant. A grown man in his 40s didn’t grasp the implications of my ovulation.

Now, before anyone rushes to condemn us for being careless, let me clarify: while we prefer not to have a fifth child, we’re financially and emotionally equipped to handle another if it comes to that. I’ve given away most of our baby items, and even though I sometimes feel a pang of baby fever when I see friends with newborns, I know we are done expanding our family. My children are at an age where they can mostly fend for themselves, giving me a sense of freedom I cherish.

So why do I keep risking it? Perhaps a small part of me welcomes the idea of another snuggly baby with adorable rolls. Or maybe I’m just being foolish.

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Summary:

In this candid reflection, the author grapples with the irony of having frequent pregnancy scares despite understanding human reproduction. While acknowledging a strong aversion to condoms and a refusal to return to hormonal birth control, the author highlights a lack of shared responsibility in preventing pregnancy with her partner. The piece explores the complexities of desire, family planning, and the often-unspoken dynamics between couples regarding fertility.