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Throughout most of my life, exercise was driven by one clear goal: to shrink myself. While I recognized the physical health benefits of working out—like strength and longevity—my primary aim was always about reducing my size. Even after learning about the positive impacts of exercise on mental well-being, my focus remained on losing weight. The other perks—feeling energized, strong, and mentally clear—were simply secondary rewards. I was preoccupied with that number on the scale and my overall size.
However, about a year and a half ago, I stopped exercising entirely. Coming out as gay while navigating a divorce and all the emotional turmoil that ensued drained my mental and physical resources. My priority shifted to ensuring my children’s well-being and achieving financial stability. I slipped into a low-grade depression, distinct from my previous struggles.
During 2020, I found solace in binge-eating and barely moved, aside from a walk every other day. I occasionally attempted to “get back on track,” but I watched as my body grew larger and felt like I was failing myself. None of my clothes fit anymore. I engaged in a toxic cycle of self-hatred, trying to force myself to detest my body enough to motivate me to work out. As always, my mindset linked exercise with the pursuit of a smaller frame.
I felt ashamed of these thoughts; they were unhealthy and hypocritical. I champion body positivity and believe every body is a beach body. Yet, I held cruel self-perceptions that I would never impose on anyone else.
Then, three months ago, I began taking antidepressants. Shortly after starting a low-dose SSRI, I felt a gentle urge to move again. I imagined using my weights, doing push-ups, and enjoying music with a strong beat. Remarkably, this newfound desire wasn’t about losing weight—it felt like pure fun.
It reminded me of the joy I once found in exercise, something I had forgotten. I no longer linked moving my body with the desire to be thin. Since I was 12, “exercise” meant “diet” to me, and I couldn’t work out without calorie counting. But after everything I’ve experienced in recent years, my perspective shifted. I’m heavier than I’ve ever been, yet I don’t exercise to get smaller.
I’ve grown tired of hating myself for something as trivial as my body shape. Thus, after years of disordered eating and obsession with my size, I’m finally approaching exercise as it should be: an activity that brings me joy, both physically and mentally. I fashioned a little gym in my garage with weights, a kettlebell, and a speaker, committing to 30 to 45 minutes of movement each day.
Here’s the kicker: I’ve been working out nearly every day for a month and haven’t lost a single pound, yet I feel no urge to push myself harder or change my diet. In the past, a stagnant scale number would have left me feeling defeated, prompting me to restrict my food or quit working out altogether. But now, I genuinely don’t care about the scale. After a month of daily workouts, I feel significantly stronger. The weights I started with are no longer sufficient for bicep curls, and I’ll need to upgrade soon. I even added a budget-friendly spin bike to my routine to enhance my cardio without straining my knees. I recover faster after intense sets, and it feels incredible to sweat, to move, and to break free from depression.
These brief workouts have become the highlight of my day. I eagerly anticipate this time for myself, where I can zone out, enjoy music, and experience my growing strength. Combined with the antidepressants, my daily exercise has led to greater emotional stability than I’ve felt in years. If I stay the same size but continue to feel strong, energetic, and mentally sound, that’s a far more significant victory than losing a few sizes.
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In summary, after years of associating exercise with weight loss, I have finally embraced it as an enjoyable activity that supports my mental and physical well-being. By shifting my focus away from the scale, I now relish my workouts and the strength I’m gaining, proving that personal victories are far more important than mere numbers.
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