We All Could Use a Bit of ‘Alloparenting’ in Our Lives, Seriously

When my eldest child arrived, I mistakenly believed I had to be a full-time parent around the clock. I thought I needed to handle everything myself—holding, feeding, playing, and comforting my baby. Whenever someone else took care of my little one, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, as if I wasn’t devoted enough. This mindset was absurd, and I soon realized that it’s impossible to shoulder everything alone. No one can.

Yet, this “martyr parent” mentality still prevails in our society. Many of us feel compelled to do it all for our children, not necessarily out of desire but from the fear of being perceived as inadequate parents. While modern parenting has its advantages, it often clings to the competitive notion of being a self-sufficient parent.

This mindset is harmful and needs to change. Enter alloparenting.

What is Alloparenting?

In essence, alloparenting embodies the age-old saying that “it takes a village.” Coined by socio-biologist Edward Wilson in 1975, it refers to individuals who nurture children who aren’t their own. This inclusive approach to parenting recognizes that care extends beyond just the biological parents. Alloparenting can take many forms: multi-generational households, nannies, after-school programs, or even a neighbor who plays with our kids. It might involve an aunt or uncle who teens confide in when they don’t want to discuss their problems with their parents. These relationships are not merely “extra help” but essential connections for raising children.

Alloparenting has been critical to the survival of human beings. Researchers have examined this communal approach to parenting, suggesting it has been vital for our evolutionary success. “I am absolutely convinced that we wouldn’t have survived without it,” said Dr. Sarah Thompson, an anthropology professor at a local university. “It is as fundamental to our humanity as walking on two feet.”

Benefits for Kids and Parents

Let’s face it: we need one another, even if it sounds cliché. Alloparenting not only provides parents with much-needed breaks, allowing us to focus on careers and relationships, but it also benefits our children by exposing them to multiple caregivers. “Kids have many emotional needs, just like we do,” explained Dr. Emily Rivers, a psychology professor. “The more people they interact with, the more opportunities they have to satisfy those needs.”

The absence of alloparenting can be detrimental. A style of parenting that is overly independent can lead to negative consequences, as we’ve witnessed during the pandemic. “We are a social species, yet we’ve been living in isolation,” stated Dr. Mark Jensen, a psychologist. “This has resulted in increased rates of anxiety and depression among parents and children alike.”

Creating Intentional Alloparenting Networks

Not every family has access to a diverse network of caregivers. Sometimes, parents may not live close to family or may lack the kind of relationships that facilitate such support. In these cases, creating alloparenting opportunities may require deliberate effort—whether through daycare, after-school programs, or hiring a nanny.

Whatever form it takes, let’s embrace alloparenting. Let’s seek assistance and accept help when it’s offered. We should actively find ways to introduce positive adult figures into our children’s lives. It’s time to let go of the damaging belief that we must be martyr parents who do everything for our kids. Let’s also support other families as “alloparents” and build the proverbial village everyone talks about—not just for our children but for our own well-being too. After all, as Dr. Mark Jensen noted, “No one person should ever be expected to do it all when it comes to parenting.”

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Summary

The article emphasizes the importance of alloparenting—a communal approach to parenting that involves multiple caregivers, which benefits both children and parents. It challenges the harmful notion of martyr parenting and encourages seeking support from others to create a nurturing environment for kids.