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I realized my reaction to my soon-to-be-ex moving on was intense when my therapist suggested eye movement desensitization therapy (EMDR) to cope with my distress. It seemed extreme, but so was my hurt. While EMDR can be effective, it’s not a miracle cure; the memory of that day in my sister’s driveway still lingers. I can vividly picture the shock on my face as I processed the news from the call on the other end. My mind struggled with the timeline of events, which was much shorter than I had anticipated.
For all intents and purposes, my marriage had ended long before, awaiting only a judge’s approval. So why did I react so strongly? Many women in my position might feel relieved that their ex is now someone else’s concern, but I found myself longing for what I had lost. While some labeled my feelings as “crazy” or “overdramatic,” I chose to give myself grace, acknowledging my response as normal to an abnormal situation. Reflecting on it now, I see several ways I could have been kinder to myself. I hope by sharing these insights, you can sidestep similar pitfalls if you find yourself in a situation where your ex moves on faster than you anticipated.
1. Don’t Investigate
When you first hear the news, it’s tempting to dig for details about the new person in your ex’s life. My resourcefulness and the sheer amount of information accessible online shocked me. Facebook stalking is one thing, but contacting airlines to find out where the happy couple is vacationing is another level. Trust me, you can discover a lot, but remember: you cannot unlearn what you find. Question yourself: “How much longer will I allow this situation to consume me?” Because when you discover that they’re in some exotic locale, it’s only you who ends up suffering.
2. Don’t Be Gullible
Your mind may attempt to downplay the situation, convincing you that their relationship is casual. Let’s be real; it’s unlikely they’re just holding hands. While it might not be serious, rebound relationships often escalate quickly. If children are involved, don’t waste time or money trying to keep them out of the picture; as long as they’re safe, lawyers won’t intervene. In my case, the big reveal happened just a month after our divorce was finalized. My children brought home a heart-shaped balloon from her, and it served as a painful reminder of her presence. Ask yourself, “What am I sacrificing by clinging to my version of their story?” The sooner you release their narrative, the quicker you can focus on your own.
3. Don’t Misplace Your Anger
We all have moments of misplaced anger, but add a pending divorce and an ex who’s already moved on, and it creates chaos. Your anger is valid and should be expressed, but keep it away from your kids. You don’t want to see confusion in their eyes because of your outbursts. Find healthy outlets—punch a pillow, write in a journal, or scream when the kids aren’t home. I made the mistake of bottling up my anger until I found myself kicking his front door in frustration. Reflect on this: “What is the cost of not handling my anger in a constructive way?” Your children are observing your behavior; aim to keep your reactions in check.
4. Don’t Rush to “Move On”
Hearing “just move on” can be one of the most frustrating pieces of advice. If I had a dollar for every time someone in my supportive circle said it, I’d be set for life! Moving on isn’t as simple as flipping a switch. If it were, the relationship industry wouldn’t exist. People who offer this advice may love you, but they often struggle to sit with your pain. It’s crucial to feel your emotions to heal. Trying to numb your pain with a new relationship or distractions will likely implode. Your healing journey is uniquely yours, so resist the pressure to “move on.” Ask yourself, “What can I control here?” Consider partnering with a therapist or coach to facilitate your healing process.
5. Don’t Make It About You
I’ve often wondered how some individuals can move between partners so easily. Here’s the truth: their need to find someone else has nothing to do with you. Perhaps they can’t function without a partner, or they were already emotionally detached long before the relationship ended. Regardless, give yourself credit for grieving properly. Thank your ex for moving on so quickly; it means you’re free to find someone who truly deserves you. If you’d like to learn more about navigating relationships and home insemination, check out this post on Home Insemination Kit, or visit Make a Mom for expert advice.
Summary
Navigating the emotional landscape after your ex moves on quickly can be overwhelming. Avoid the traps of investigating their new relationship, downplaying the situation, misdirecting your anger, succumbing to societal pressure to move on, and making their choices about you. Embrace your healing journey and give yourself the space to feel and process your emotions. For further guidance, resources like March of Dimes offer valuable insights on related topics.
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