A Message from an OB/GYN: Let's Stop Asking Women About Their Baby Plans

Whether it’s a family member, friend, or coworker—regardless of their relationship status or age—it’s never appropriate to inquire about when someone plans to have children. In the past, I believed it was a harmless question to ask close friends and family. After all, once someone gets married, society often expects the next step to be starting a family. However, as an OB/GYN and a mother who has navigated the complexities of fertility, I have encountered countless women at various stages of their reproductive journeys. From being single in my thirties to now being a new mother, I have faced this question numerous times, and I can assure you that it can be incredibly intrusive and emotionally charged.

Many women are uncertain about having children and feel immense pressure from those around them. The choice to become a parent is one of the most significant decisions a person can make. I know several remarkable women who have chosen not to have children, and this choice should be respected and supported by their loved ones. No woman should feel obligated to justify her decision, as it reflects her values and life goals.

Pregnancies can be either planned or unplanned, but no woman should feel compelled to conceive or continue a pregnancy if she isn’t ready. I’ve seen many women in their twenties and thirties who feel anxious about their reproductive futures, only to be pressured by family and friends to start having children immediately. This often leads them to question their fertility unnecessarily, despite having no real cause for concern.

With infertility rates on the rise, many women are struggling to conceive, whether through natural means or fertility treatments. Asking them about their baby plans can deepen their feelings of inadequacy, especially when they are already grappling with unmet expectations. They often witness others around them effortlessly achieving pregnancy while they face ongoing challenges and losses.

Miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss are more common than many realize. I often deliver the heartbreaking news to women that the pregnancy they longed for has ended, often before anyone even knew they were expecting. This grief is typically endured in silence, as life continues around them.

Some women face the painful decision to terminate pregnancies under difficult circumstances, whether due to health risks to the fetus or personal readiness. Others may struggle with feelings of guilt over past decisions, especially if they later encounter infertility. Furthermore, trauma and abuse can complicate the desire or ability to carry a pregnancy, making the question of when to have children even more sensitive.

There are many other scenarios where asking about baby plans can be hurtful or inappropriate. I hope this serves as a reminder to everyone—no matter how well-meaning—to refrain from asking this loaded question. Furthermore, if a woman has already become a mother, please avoid questioning her about having another child.

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This article aims to foster understanding and compassion toward those navigating the complex landscape of parenthood.