During a recent visit to my parents’ home, I discovered that my father had moved into my sister’s former bedroom. Being a family that values privacy and boundaries, I couldn’t help but exclaim, “Oh my goodness, Mom—Dad is finally leaving you after 51 years! Who is she?!”
“He’s not leaving,” my mother replied dryly. “I just kicked him out of our bedroom. Your father has taken a liking to the ‘Thunderstorm’ setting.”
I didn’t need any further explanation; I instantly understood. “Thunderstorm” was not a new dancer at the local club, but rather a sound setting on their sleep machine. You see, my entire family has developed a dependency on sleep sound machines. Back in the ’70s, it was window air conditioning units that lulled us to sleep, but now we have options from Hammacher Schlemmer, Brookstone, and HoMedics. Every bedroom in our family has one. The brands may differ, but we are staunchly committed to “white noise.” That’s our preference, end of story. Even our infants were sleep-trained with the soothing hum of an air purifier.
At his age, my father is too mature for a mid-life crisis, which made his sudden choice of “Thunderstorm” feel like an act of betrayal against our auditory heritage.
“Thunderstorm!” my mother reiterated. “Can you imagine? Boom! Boom! Boom!”
Apologies to Eddie Rabbit, but apparently, my mother does NOT enjoy a rainy night. While I suspected their marriage would endure, I couldn’t help but wonder if we were being too critical of my father. Were we too rigid in our sound preferences? Was white the only acceptable choice? Was it possible our sleep sound settings were biased? Could it be that traditional white noise isn’t the ultimate key to a good night’s rest?
In the name of exploration and impartiality, I decided to test a variety of non-white noise settings on my own sleep machine over several nights. Here are my observations:
THUNDERSTORM
Naturally, I started with this setting, and yes—there was a lot of booming. Too much booming. A strobe light would have made my room feel like the deck of a sinking ship. Sorry, Dad, but that’s a no-go.
TRAIN
This option exists, and I initially thought it would just be a loop of that “Drops of Jupiter” song. Surprisingly, it was actual train sounds. Who enjoys this? All night, I envisioned myself traveling with vagabonds and carnival folk intent on stealing my backpack. I slept with one eye open, clutching a harmonica.
OCEAN WAVES
At first, this setting was tranquil, but soon it made me crave shrimp, leading me to check the hours of the nearest Red Lobster. Did I just hear a seagull? Those creatures will go to great lengths for a Cheddar Bay biscuit, and honestly, who could blame them? (The biscuits are fantastic, not the seagulls.)
STREAM
For those who prefer this setting, do you sleep with waterproof sheets? I found myself getting up four times to use the restroom.
CITY
This setting also has a bizarre quality. After enduring Houston’s road rage all day, it’s hardly relaxing to replicate traffic sounds in the bedroom.
SUMMER NIGHT
This immediately conjured images of giant locusts invading my bed and/or John Travolta in a leather jacket. Both scenarios are equally terrifying.
HEARTBEAT
Having read too much Edgar Allan Poe, I found this sound deeply unsettling.
JUNGLE RHYTHM
This was somewhat calming, if you can overlook the occasional howler monkey and the nagging feeling that a panther might attack you.
RAINFOREST
Similar to “Jungle,” but with added humidity and visions of massive spiders. Also, thoughts of Rainforest Cafe charging me $9 for a handful of chicken nuggets.
FIREPLACE
You could almost feel the shag carpet and the passionate breath of Barry White. Don’t ignore the smoke detector, though; that’s a potential hazard.
ZEN GARDEN
This setting made me anticipate a masseuse entering the room at any moment. I also experienced some involuntary clenching, as one of my many fears is letting one slip during a massage.
In conclusion, I’ve exhausted my options and have reaffirmed my preference for white noise. I’m okay with that. I’ll strive to avoid judging my father or anyone else for their peculiar sleep preferences. As for my parents, I sincerely hope they can navigate the “Thunderstorm” and find a harmonious sound setting together.
Thank you and good night.
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