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Whether it’s a friend, family member, or colleague, regardless of their relationship status or age, there’s never an appropriate time to inquire about a woman’s plans for motherhood. I once believed this question was acceptable among close family and friends. When someone ties the knot, society often suggests that having children is the next logical step. As an experienced OB/GYN and a mother, I’ve encountered countless women at various stages of their reproductive journey.
Through my own experiences—from being single in my 30s, to getting married without feeling the urgency to start a family, to facing fertility challenges requiring hormonal support, and finally navigating the complexities of new motherhood—I’ve been asked this question numerous times. I can say with certainty that it is one of the most intrusive and emotionally charged inquiries you can make.
Many women grapple with whether they want to have children, often feeling immense societal pressure in making that decision. Choosing to become a parent is one of life’s most significant decisions, and I know several remarkable women who have chosen not to become mothers. Their choices deserve respect and support, and no woman should feel compelled to justify her path when it aligns with her values.
Pregnancies can be unplanned or planned, but no woman should feel pressured to conceive or carry a pregnancy if she is not prepared. I have witnessed numerous women in their 20s and 30s who are anxious about their fertility, often prompted by family and friends urging them to start having children immediately. This pressure can lead them to question their reproductive health, even when there is no reason for concern in their medical history.
Infertility rates are rising, and many women face challenges in trying to conceive, whether naturally or through assisted reproductive technologies. When someone asks them about their baby plans, it adds to their feelings of inadequacy, particularly when they’re already dealing with the disappointment of unmet expectations, especially after witnessing peers getting pregnant unexpectedly.
The realities of miscarriage, stillbirth, and the loss of a child are also far more common than most people realize. I often find myself comforting women who have experienced early pregnancy loss—grieving alone while life continues around them. Some women endure the heartbreak of losing a baby just days before delivery, having prepared for a joyful arrival.
For those who have made the difficult decision to terminate a pregnancy, whether due to health concerns or personal circumstances, this is never taken lightly. Some women may later struggle with infertility and feel guilt for past decisions made under different life circumstances. Additionally, many women carry the weight of past trauma, making the prospect of pregnancy a painful reminder of lost autonomy.
Given the multitude of scenarios in which asking about baby plans is inappropriate, I hope this serves as a reminder to well-meaning loved ones to refrain from posing such questions. Furthermore, for those who are already mothers, please consider avoiding inquiries about future pregnancies.
For more insights into pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource at UCSF Center for Reproductive Health. Also, if you’re looking for ways to boost your fertility, Make a Mom provides valuable information on supplements that can help.
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In summary, asking women when they plan to have children is often an intrusive question that can evoke a range of emotions and trigger unresolved issues. Respecting their choices and understanding the complexities of their situations is vital.
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