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I often feel like my home is divided into two distinct areas. On one hand, there are the rooms where my neat-freak tendencies reign supreme—everything must be meticulously organized. This includes the living room, the kitchen, my bedroom, and the bathroom. On the other hand, there’s the rest of the house, which consists mainly of my kids’ rooms and their shared bathroom.
A few years back, I came to the realization that my attempts to control how their spaces looked were stifling their unique personalities. This obsession was not just affecting them; it was taking a toll on me as well. Keeping everything spotless and orderly is simply not a priority for my children. The more I tried to impose my standards on them, the more conflicts arose, leading me to understand just how trivial it all really was.
Currently, my son is working on growing a plethora of trees in his room. He collects strawberry tops, avocado pits, and even transplants acorns from our yard. This means we’re constantly buying pots, storing bags of soil in the garage, and I always have random seedlings drying out on my windowsill.
My daughter has two pet ducks, and let me tell you, people weren’t exaggerating when they warned me about how messy ducks can be. Their droppings are quite substantial, and they love to hang out on the front porch—mostly on the rug. Feathers scatter everywhere, and they require a lot of water, which results in a kiddie pool being perpetually set up in our yard. To say they create a splash zone would be an understatement.
My oldest child enjoys tinkering with his truck and four-wheeler, leaving tools and greasy rags strewn across the garage, along with car parts taking up valuable parking space. As a mother who thrives on cleanliness, this chaotic environment drives me up the wall. I find it hard to concentrate amid the clutter, which causes me both anxiety and discomfort.
Interestingly, none of my kids seem to have inherited my clean-freak gene. They don’t mind leaving things out in the open—whether it’s dirty laundry or their latest slime projects. My daughter prefers to have her makeup spread across her vanity rather than organized like I did in my teenage years, and they all feel it’s necessary to leave their bathroom essentials on full display.
I did have to draw the line when my daughter decided it would be funny to tape a lock of hair she had cut off to her bedroom door. I could tell she was testing my limits. Yet, I’ve learned to overlook certain things because it’s crucial for kids to express themselves and feel a sense of autonomy in their own spaces.
Just the other day, I pulled into the driveway to find my son transplanting his trees from his room to the backyard. He was watering cardboard he had been hoarding, breaking it into pieces for his garden. While I may not love finding potting soil on his carpet, the great afternoon light in his room has led to some amazing growth.
Seeing him outside, working on his garden, made all my worries feel worthwhile. My daughter’s ducks have brought her so much happiness. She’s devoted a considerable amount of time to their care, which has helped her manage anxiety during challenging times, like the pandemic. She’s become quite knowledgeable about ducks, and I never have to remind her to clean their space—she takes that responsibility seriously.
I admire my son’s mechanical skills. While I wish he would tidy up his tools and rags, he usually knows how to fix things like our lawn mower or snow blower. But I also recognize that there will come a day when I won’t have to look at their messy rooms anymore. I won’t come home to find my son working on his truck or see my daughter’s makeup sprawled everywhere.
The thought of that makes me feel uneasy, even more so than the mess itself, because it will mean they’re growing up and leaving home, taking pieces of my heart with them. So, I’ve made a conscious choice to hold my tongue. I’ll allow myself to feel anxious when I see dirt trails or duck food scattered about. I want my kids to discover their true passions, and I can support that by relaxing my standards for cleanliness. After all, their interests and happiness far outweigh the importance of tidy surfaces.
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Summary
In this article, Jordan Miller explores the tension between her neat-freak tendencies and her children’s need for self-expression. By allowing her kids the freedom to embrace their interests—whether it’s growing plants, caring for ducks, or fixing vehicles—she learns the importance of prioritizing their happiness over maintaining a pristine home. As her children develop their passions, she reflects on the inevitable changes that come with them growing up and leaving home.
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