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I have two very determined children—a teenager and a soon-to-be teen. They are passionate and vocal about their beliefs, often holding strong opinions that I sometimes find hard to accept. We engage in serious discussions about significant topics such as faith, feminism, immigration, and law enforcement. When I set a curfew, they argue for a later time. When I ask them to tidy their rooms, they emphasize their need for personal space. And when I suggest they tackle homework right after school, they present their case for why doing it later suits them better.
These exchanges often leave me feeling drained and wishing for a bit more agreement, a simple “okay, Mom,” rather than a spirited “no, here’s my perspective.” Yet, deep down, I realize I don’t truly want that. I want my children to express themselves freely, to know how to advocate for what they need or desire, and to feel empowered to question authority when it doesn’t seem right.
I aspire for my kids to handle conflict gracefully and, more importantly, to resolve it. I want them to stand up for others, challenge power when necessary, and trust their instincts about what is right instead of simply adhering to popular opinion. These skills are challenging to develop; they require bravery and practice.
A recent post by Jenna Smith, a therapist from New York, highlighted the pitfalls of emphasizing obedience in parenting. At 43, I am still learning how to confront conflict and assert myself. I often find myself people-pleasing, suppressing my feelings until they bubble over. Instead of addressing issues constructively, I let them simmer until they explode, which benefits no one.
I don’t hold anyone responsible for my struggles with conflict resolution. Growing up in the ‘80s, the prevailing mindset among parents, teachers, and peers was that children should comply without question. We were taught to follow rules simply because we were told to do so. It wasn’t until my mid-20s that I began listening to my own voice. Sure, as a teenager, I was tenacious in pursuing my desires, sometimes even convincing my parents I should become a lawyer—which I did. Yet outside my home, I often shied away from confrontation.
For example, I dislike being called Alex (no offense to those with this name; it just isn’t mine). When someone uses it, I usually don’t correct them. To sidestep discomfort, I let them continue using a name that doesn’t belong to me, leading to awkward situations.
It has taken me until my 40s to feel somewhat comfortable engaging in difficult conversations. I don’t want my kids to wait that long to learn how to handle conflict or advocate for themselves. I want them to practice these essential conversations early and frequently. I want them to know they can question authority and that rules shouldn’t be followed blindly. Understanding the reasoning behind rules will empower them to make informed choices.
I want children who are curious, who challenge the status quo, and who approach conflict with respect and humility. Most importantly, I want them to feel safe confiding in me about their mistakes. I’m not striving to raise obedient kids; instead, I’m nurturing confident, independent thinkers who can effectively navigate and resolve conflicts. So, when they debate curfews or homework schedules or pose challenging questions about school policies and societal norms, I take a deep breath and remind myself that this is precisely what I should desire for them, even if it drives us all a bit crazy in the process.
For more insights on parenting and child development, check out this article from our blog.
Summary
The author expresses a desire to raise independent thinkers rather than obedient children. Through personal anecdotes, they illustrate the importance of encouraging children to challenge authority, engage in meaningful discussions, and develop conflict resolution skills. The piece emphasizes the value of open communication and self-advocacy, aiming for a parenting style that fosters confidence and independence.
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Parenting, Conflict Resolution, Independent Thinkers, Child Development, Open Communication
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