What I’ve Discovered as a Grieving Parent: 10 Essential Insights

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Trigger Warning: Child Loss

Years have gone by since I last held my son, Leo, in my arms. Leo passed away from complications related to necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC), a serious intestinal condition, just shy of his first birthday. When we lost Leo in the Pediatric ICU, we left the hospital with his belongings in a plastic bag and a hefty booklet titled “WHEN A BABY DIES.”

I wanted to toss that booklet into the fire because its contents felt unbearable, heart-wrenching, and disconnected from my reality. The last thing I wanted to do during such a painful time was read about the loss of babies. To this day, I have not opened it.

My journey through grief has been filled with both heartache and growth. Though the path has not been easy, I have found moments of peace. In hopes of guiding other bereaved parents toward comfort, here are ten lessons I wish someone had shared with me after Leo’s passing. May these insights provide solace to those in need.

1. You are eternally your child’s parent.
   No amount of time can erase your child’s existence. They will always be a part of your life.
2. You are not alone.
   Sadly, countless bereaved parents understand your sorrow, as they too have lost a child to NEC. The community of child loss can provide support as you navigate the challenging days, months, and years ahead.
3. Follow your own path.
   There is no single “right way” to grieve. Each person experiences grief differently. Allow yourself the freedom to grieve in your own way. Remember, your partner and family may have their own grieving styles, and that’s perfectly fine. The key is mutual compassion and understanding.
4. Seek solace in nature.
   Spending time outdoors, whether it’s a walk in the park or tending to a garden, can be incredibly calming. Nature can help you process the trauma of losing a child while also allowing you to reflect on how to carry your child in your heart.
5. “Moving on” is not an option.
   The loss you have endured is deeply unfair. Time does not necessarily heal all wounds, and this is not a loss to simply overcome. A parent’s love remains strong, even when their child is no longer physically present.
6. Grief, joy, and gratitude can coexist.
   It’s normal for conflicting emotions to arise. After losing a child, feelings of anger, regret, and despair may intermingle with joy, gratitude, and hope. Permit yourself to experience this full spectrum of emotions, as it can help you channel your energy in constructive ways.
7. Find meaningful ways to honor your child.
   Whether it’s through art, journaling, or other activities, find ways to celebrate your child’s memory that resonate with you. Honoring your child can help bring a sense of peace and purpose.
8. Expect strong emotional triggers.
   As time passes, certain experiences will evoke powerful emotions tied to your child. These triggers can be sudden and overwhelming, whether it’s a song, a scent, or a memory. Remember, these feelings stem from a profound love.
9. Communicate your needs to loved ones.
   Help your friends and family understand that nothing can replace your child. Let them know how they can best support you, as they may need guidance to provide the comfort you seek.
10. You will learn to carry your loss.
    Though it will never be easy, you will find ways to carry your child in your heart rather than your arms. Each day, you’ll grow stronger. Lean on the community of families who understand your journey.

The path to finding peace after child loss is challenging and may take months or even years. Each individual’s journey will be unique, even when mourning the same child. Once we find some semblance of peace, our hearts remain broken, and our lives are forever altered. Life’s greatest joys will never fill the void of our child’s absence. Ultimately, how we navigate and manage our grief matters most. We can honor our children by embracing life, supporting each other, and giving back in their memory.

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