artificial insemination kit for humans
I sometimes feel sorry for my kids, even though they have a privileged life. We recently moved into a house with a swimming pool and playground, and the playroom is overflowing with toys. I can’t help but think I’ve spoiled them, and it’s my doing. I often buy them almost anything they ask for, trying to make up for what I perceive as my shortcomings as a mother. While material possessions don’t guarantee happiness, I worry that they drew the short straw when it comes to having me as their mom.
I battle severe depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. Two years ago, I spent six weeks in the hospital, but thankfully my kids were too young to remember that time. I fear that if they did, they might think I abandoned them. Is it possible for mothers to escape guilt? I know that everything I’ve endured was for their benefit, to ensure they have a healthy and functional parent.
What weighs heavily on my mind are my limitations. I accept that I will never fully overcome major depressive disorder or anxiety, but I work diligently on coping strategies. It sometimes feels like I need more breaks than other moms, that I raise my voice more often, and that I spend too much time in bed. I carefully monitor my mental health, but depressive episodes can strike suddenly and last for prolonged periods. Because of this, I often lean on my partner for support, which adds to my guilt. Without his help, I might resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms like overeating or compulsive shopping.
Despite my struggles, I have made significant progress compared to where I was — abusing anxiety medication and feeling hopeless. I need to remind myself of the improvement in my life and the positive impact it has on my children. I still have a quick temper, require ample sleep, and can’t always socialize, but we still enjoy time together. We have family movie nights, take road trips, stay in our pajamas, and have fun dance parties. Although guilt sometimes clouds my enjoyment, I hope my kids will remember these joyful moments rather than my shortcomings.
My partner often reminds me that we’re raising healthy adults, not just children. If anything, my experiences may teach my kids empathy and the importance of self-care. I hope they’ll feel comfortable discussing mental health and reaching out if they need help. Mental illness is a topic that should be openly addressed, as it affects over 16 million adults in the U.S. and is the leading cause of disability for ages 15-44, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. It’s crucial that my generation leads by example, so our children won’t feel ashamed of their mental health struggles.
I won’t apologize for a condition I cannot control, and neither should anyone else. Depression can rob you of joy, motivation, and the ability to function. It’s a relentless affliction that can leave you feeling trapped. Despite my mom guilt, I believe I’m doing a good job. Worst case, my kids might end up in therapy blaming me for some things, but that’s part of their journey to understanding.
I recognize that love doesn’t require material gifts. My children need to feel safe, nurtured, and loved, and I can provide that, even from my sickbed. My love transcends depression.
If you’re interested in exploring more about parenting and mental health, check out this blog post for additional insights. For those looking for information on fertility, Make a Mom offers a wealth of knowledge. Additionally, UCSF’s Center serves as a great resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
The author reflects on the complexities of being a mother while managing severe depression and anxiety. Despite feelings of guilt over perceived shortcomings, she emphasizes the importance of love, self-care, and open conversations about mental health. She highlights her family’s joyful moments and the lessons her experiences can teach her children about empathy and resilience.
Leave a Reply