I Refuse to Return to Normal After Battling Cancer Twice

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I Refuse to Return to Normal After Battling Cancer Twice

by Sarah Johnson

Updated: July 7, 2021

Originally Published: July 7, 2021

As I approach the end of my chemotherapy journey, I find myself grappling with a whirlwind of emotions. Naturally, I am overjoyed to close this chapter of my breast cancer experience. Yet, I also harbor fears about what lies ahead. This marks my second fight against breast cancer.

Part of me longs to celebrate with champagne and ring that victory bell at the treatment center, while another part understands that the post-cancer period will bring its own challenges. Just because I’m transitioning from being a cancer patient to a survivor doesn’t mean the trauma I’ve endured is erased from my heart, mind, and spirit. Anyone who has experienced trauma can relate; there’s no simply returning to “normal” after such events.

Understanding Trauma

The American Psychological Association defines trauma as “an emotional response to a terrible event,” which can include things like accidents, assaults, or natural disasters. Initially, it’s common to feel shock and denial, but later reactions may manifest as unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships, and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea.

For some, trauma evolves into post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. According to the Mayo Clinic, PTSD is triggered by terrifying experiences, with symptoms that can persist for months or even years, interfering with daily life. When you endure significant trauma, you don’t just “move past” it; it becomes an integral part of your narrative.

The Reality of Being Cancer-Free

The expectation that being cancer-free means living in a perpetual state of gratitude and joy is unrealistic. Yes, I cherish this second chance—well, technically my third chance. But the truth is, cancer leaves a lasting impact, even when it’s eradicated through surgery and treatment. Cancer, like all trauma, is a thief: it steals peace, security, and innocence.

Navigating the world of toxic positivity can be just as damaging as the trauma itself. I’ve heard well-meaning phrases like, “God gives the toughest battles to the strongest warriors,” implying that I was somehow chosen for this struggle because I could handle it. If you’ve faced your own trauma, you’ve likely received similarly dismissive remarks that, despite good intentions, only add to the burden of your journey.

People often encourage me to remain strong and positive, but those sentiments aren’t always feasible. While I believe in the power of mindset, when life knocks you down repeatedly, it’s tough to rise with a genuine smile. Instead, the reality is more akin to slowly regaining your footing while bracing for the next blow.

My Path Forward

I have devised a solid plan going forward. I will continue therapy and begin Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to help address the medical trauma I’ve endured. The experience of having my breasts removed, only to face cancer again, is nothing less than horrifying. I am committed to confronting my reality, building resilience, and navigating the complexities of what has been and what could be.

Rather than trying to revert to a previous “normal,” I aim to forge a new path. I seek peace and serenity, but I recognize that these will require effort. It’s unrealistic to expect a swift transition from a state of constant vigilance to one of calm. The journey from here to tranquility involves numerous steps; I won’t simply wake up and leap into life with carefree abandon. Years of being on high alert have conditioned me otherwise.

Life after chemotherapy will undoubtedly be a blend of hope and anxiety. I look forward to regrowing my hair and experiencing relief from some of the drug side effects. Yet, I’m also aware that I must prepare for radiation and ongoing immunotherapy, which will mean more appointments and treatments, all while managing the emotional roller coaster that has become my new normal.

Finding Hope

If you’ve dealt with trauma or suspect you may have PTSD, know that there is hope. The National Institute of Mental Health suggests discussing your options with a healthcare provider. They recommend engaging in physical activities to reduce stress, breaking tasks into manageable parts, spending time with supportive people, and pursuing therapy to work through trauma.

The path to healing is challenging, but I believe it’s far preferable to being trapped in a cycle of trauma. No matter how many times I’ve tried to escape the stress of my past, it always resurfaces. Therefore, my way forward involves confronting these challenges, recognizing my progress, and hopefully gaining insights that lead to greater peace.

This article was originally published on July 7, 2021.

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Summary: After enduring two battles with cancer, I refuse to return to a state of normalcy. The journey through trauma is lifelong, and transitioning from a patient to a survivor comes with its own set of challenges. Healing involves creating a new normal, addressing emotional scars, and seeking support while navigating the complexities of life after treatment.