Why We Should Allow Our Teens to Have a Disorganized Bedroom

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When you have teenagers or pre-teens, the battle over their messy bedrooms is all too familiar. My two sons share a space that could easily be mistaken for a disaster site, filled with an overwhelming mix of stale gym clothes, overpowering body spray, and damp towels. Despite my endless reminders, little changes. Towels remain strewn across the floor for days, clothes pile up, and bowls of half-eaten cereal alongside old school yearbooks precariously balance on their desks, which are overflowing with baseball cards.

Clutter is my nemesis, and few things raise my stress levels like the state of their room. In fact, it’s the root of about 86.4% of our arguments (or, more accurately, yelling matches). However, a thought-provoking Facebook post recently made me reconsider my perspective on my teens’ messy sanctuary.

A parenting coach and cognitive behavioral therapist, Tara Johnson, known as The Mindful Parent online, suggests we should view our kids’ bedrooms as their personal retreats—spaces that should be free from nagging and guilt trips about tidiness. She points out that as adults, we create our own sanctuaries where we can unwind and escape societal expectations. Our children deserve the same freedom.

“Our homes are our safe havens, allowing us to be ourselves away from the pressures of the outside world,” writes Johnson. “Whether we choose to do dishes in the morning or spend late nights organizing, it’s our choice.” She emphasizes the need for personal space where the usual rules don’t apply, which applies to our teens as much as it does to us.

Johnson also equates the disarray in teens’ rooms to the tumult in their developing minds. This is just a temporary phase, one they will navigate more smoothly if given the independence to figure things out themselves. She reassures us that eventually, they will find their footing.

While I have the desire to raise self-sufficient children who contribute to household tasks, I realize that I need to strike a balance. Johnson recommends promoting better cleaning habits in shared spaces without overly controlling their bedrooms. She also emphasizes that we must model the behavior we want to see in them.

“Teens benefit from guidance and hands-on involvement to develop their skills,” she explains. “The best way to teach them to take responsibility for cleaning is to demonstrate it ourselves and engage them in recognizing the mess.”

Practical Suggestions for Encouraging Independence

One practical suggestion is the “end-of-day reset.” Encourage everyone to take a moment before bedtime to tidy up any stray items they notice. Treating teens as partners in this process rather than authoritative figures can foster cooperation. Johnson outlines a Set-and-Reset Approach:

1. Help teens understand how their mess affects everyone and how they can contribute to keeping shared spaces organized.
2. Ensure every item has a designated spot to minimize confusion and frustration during clean-up.
3. Teach proper cleaning techniques and where to put things they pick up.
4. Collaborate with them to assign household responsibilities that ease the overall burden.
5. Foster accountability for completing agreed tasks.

I tried a few of these strategies this morning to encourage my kids to declutter their dresser drawers, and I must say, it was a success—no yelling from either side!

For those of us who experience anxiety at the sight of our kids’ clutter, Johnson encourages us to simply close the door and let go. She also suggests that perhaps it’s time to consider purchasing less to focus more on being present for our teens.

While I’m still figuring out how to manage this in our home, I recognize the importance of allowing my kids a space where they can thrive without constant reminders. Perhaps it simply means shutting the door to their room more often or setting a couple of basic rules—like no food left in their space—while allowing them the freedom to manage the rest.

I genuinely wish to find a middle ground. I don’t want to spend the remaining years of my kids living at home nagging them about their messy rooms. Who knows? Maybe by granting them a personal haven, I’ll also find some peace of mind.

As Johnson wisely states, “When parents maintain a sense of calm, peace will follow.”

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Summary

Allowing teens to keep a messy bedroom can foster their independence and personal growth. It’s essential to view their rooms as personal retreats where they can navigate the chaos of adolescence without constant pressure. By modeling appropriate behavior, encouraging collaboration, and setting basic guidelines, parents can help their teens develop responsibility while maintaining a peaceful home environment.