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Updated: July 5, 2021
Originally Published: July 5, 2021
From the very beginning of our relationship, I noticed that my partner and I have differing approaches to maintaining our home. To be honest, I lean towards being a Type-A personality; I wouldn’t openly admit this to my partner, but it’s true—I thrive on order and cleanliness. A chaotic space makes it hard for me to focus or feel at ease.
When our kids create a mess, they usually tidy up after themselves (most of the time). I’m the type who prefers dinner to be ready before the kids return from school or my partner comes home from work. Since I’m home all day, why wouldn’t I ensure the meal is prepared? Whenever I accomplish this, my partner consistently expresses gratitude with a simple “Thank you.” While this should fill me with joy, it also leaves me feeling compelled to reciprocate whenever they tackle a household chore.
Why should I say thank you? We inhabit the same space and both strive for the same goal: a clean home and a meal for our family. I don’t usually express gratitude for the chores the kids do, so perhaps I should reconsider that.
In our household, chores aren’t split evenly; we tend to gravitate towards tasks we prefer. I’ll be honest—there are chores I avoid, such as washing dishes or taking out the trash, so I delegate those to the kids and occasionally to my partner. Is that fair?
Melanie Brewster, a psychologist and associate professor at Columbia University in New York City, has observed this dynamic in many families like ours. She explains, “When gender roles are minimized in relationships, household chores are often divided based on interest or ability.” This approach works for us.
In her experience with same-sex couples, Brewster has found that one of the primary sources of unhappiness in relationships is the feeling of unfair domestic labor burdens. Thankfully, we don’t encounter resentment or frustration regarding our chore distribution; my only dilemma is my tendency to overlook expressing appreciation.
My partner often asks, “What can I help with?” and is more than willing to tackle any chore I assign. They genuinely want a list of tasks. Even if they’re not thrilled about the items on that list, they complete them without complaint. That alone deserves a thank you.
While it doesn’t come naturally for me to express gratitude for chores, I intend to shift my mindset from “Why haven’t you done the dishes yet?” to “Thank you for washing the dishes,” just as my partner will likely change “Why did you dry my sweater?” into a thank you for my effort in doing the laundry. Perfection is elusive—not me, not my partner, and certainly not our home. However, I am genuinely appreciative of how we manage our household, and I should communicate that more often.
For more insights on this topic, check out this post for emotional significance in home dynamics. If you’re exploring options for starting a family, Make A Mom offers excellent resources on artificial insemination kits. For a deeper dive into pregnancy and home insemination, CCRM IVF is an invaluable resource.
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In summary, while I struggle to express thanks for household tasks, I realize that it’s essential to cultivate gratitude in our partnership. Acknowledging each other’s efforts can strengthen our bond while working towards a shared goal of a happy and organized home.
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