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I recently completed some paperwork for meetings with a loan officer and a financial advisor next week. Honestly, I’m not very optimistic about affording a house in this outrageous market—I don’t have a mountain of cash, and I certainly don’t want to skip inspections only to discover mold, rodents, or worse. However, I need to explore my options. As we emerge from the tight grips of the pandemic, I’m reinitiating my search for my own home. Technically, I’m still a tenant, but my landlord happens to be my ex-partner. I’ve been residing in the spare room of the house we bought together for over two years, and surprisingly, we’ve managed to make it work.
It’s been close to three years since my marriage began to unravel. I was the one who tugged at the threads of our relationship and initiated the divorce process, but I don’t believe anyone is to blame for the divergent paths we ended up on. I don’t consider my marriage a failure, as it was filled with love, cherished memories, and three wonderful kids from nearly two decades together. Just because I sought a divorce doesn’t change those truths; it simply meant we had to redefine our reality and understand one another in a different context.
Initially, our living arrangement was purely a financial decision. I had always been the primary stay-at-home parent, and my earning potential only began to rise when our kids started school full-time. I couldn’t afford to move out, and my ex couldn’t manage the mortgage alone. We accepted our situation and intentionally crafted a shared space that minimized tension, prioritizing a safe and happy environment for our children. Our kids, at the ages of six and eight, grasped the situation to the best of their abilities and knew I would eventually move out when the right house became available. We continued to progress while untangling our lives and established a new normal for our family.
Our children now point out houses they’d like me to buy and are excited about decorating a second room. They’re witnessing the respectful separation between their parents while understanding that some things—like our love for them—will never change. We consistently show up for them together at sporting events, school conferences, medical appointments, and during holidays. New routines have emerged, but our presence is unwavering. They’re also thrilled about vacationing with my long-distance partner and her kids, and they realize that their other parent supports these new relationships.
My ex has met my new partner and is genuinely welcoming towards her in our lives. I’m equally supportive of her dating. We want each other to find happiness and success. Although it took time to navigate the complexities of new relationships, we prioritized being good co-parents and approached each challenge with goodwill, even when it was tough. The mediator we selected for our divorce negotiations played a crucial role; she was not only a mediator but also a life coach who helped us craft custody arrangements. Just when we thought we were moving toward closure, the pandemic struck.
Being confined to a house with your ex during a pandemic while managing three kids, their schooling, and two full-time jobs could be a nightmare. But we chose to make it work. Our foundation of respect and friendship helped us adopt an “us vs. them” mentality when it came to parenting. It was challenging at times, but never toxic or abusive. I believe it was a blessing—it might have even helped mend some of the strains in our friendship that arose during our separation. Living with an ex, someone I’ve known since I was 18, felt like we were getting to know each other all over again, but in a fresh way. We’ve gained independence while learning to balance new roles together.
While we’ve benefited from our extended time living together post-separation, we’re both ready for me to find my own place. We don’t harbor dislike for one another, but living apart will introduce new challenges. I’m uncertain when I’ll finally move out, but my ex will join me at the meeting with the loan officer next week. I’ll be steering the conversation, but I asked her to come along as a trusted friend to help with any questions I may overlook. When the time comes, she and the kids will help me look at houses, too.
I recognize how fortunate we are to have navigated divorce and co-parenting in a healthy manner for ourselves and our kids. Our situation may be uncommon, but it’s been a positive experience, especially compared to many alternatives. I’m grateful to have married someone who has since become a friend.
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Summary:
This article recounts the journey of a woman navigating life after divorce while still living with her ex-partner. Despite the challenges, they have managed to create a respectful co-parenting relationship, providing a stable environment for their children. The author reflects on their shared experiences and the evolution of their relationship as they prepare for new chapters in their lives.
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