What I’ve Discovered as a Bereaved Parent: 10 Key Insights

artificial insemination kit for humans

Trigger warning: child loss

Years have passed since I held my precious son, Noah, in my arms. Tragically, Noah lost his life due to complications from necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC), a severe intestinal condition, just shy of his first birthday. When Noah passed away in the Pediatric ICU, we left the hospital with his belongings in a plastic bag and a 30-page booklet titled “WHEN A BABY DIES.”

I felt an overwhelming urge to destroy that booklet, as it seemed both traumatic and detached from my reality. The last thing I wanted to do in my time of grief was read about infant loss. To this day, I have not opened it.

My journey through grief has been filled with both growth and sorrow. Although it has not been simple, I have found moments of peace. In hopes of assisting other bereaved parents on their paths to healing, here are ten insights I wish I had received when Noah passed away. May these thoughts bring comfort to those in search of it.

1. You are forever your child’s parent.
   No matter how empty your arms feel or how much time passes, your child’s existence remains a part of you.
2. You are not alone.
   Sadly, many bereaved parents share your sorrow, having also lost a child to NEC. The community of parents who understand can provide guidance through the challenging days, months, and years ahead.
3. Trust your instincts.
   There is no correct way to grieve. Each person’s grief is unique. Allow yourself to navigate this lifelong journey in a manner that feels right to you, even if your partner or family grieves differently. Empathy and shared understanding are essential.
4. Nature can be healing.
   Spending time outdoors, whether through a walk or tending to a garden, can offer comfort. Nature can be a space for processing the trauma of loss while keeping your child in your heart.
5. There is no “moving on” from loss.
   Losing a child is deeply unfair and heart-wrenching. Time alone does not heal all wounds. A parent’s love remains, even when their child is not physically present.
6. Grief, joy, and gratitude can coexist.
   It’s normal for conflicting emotions to arise. Following the loss of a child, feelings of anger, despair, and regret can exist alongside joy, gratitude, and hope. Allow yourself to experience the full spectrum of emotions to help channel your feelings constructively.
7. Find meaningful ways to honor your child.
   Whether through small or grand gestures, quiet acts or public displays, honoring your child can bring peace. Consider creating art or journaling as a way to remember.
8. Prepare for emotional triggers.
   In the future, certain experiences will evoke strong emotions tied to your child. It may be a song, a story, or a familiar sound. While some triggers may be anticipated, others will catch you off guard. Remember that these feelings stem from the deep love you hold for your child.
9. Communicate your needs to loved ones.
   Help those around you understand that nothing can replace your child. Share what types of support are helpful and which may not be, as those who care for you might need guidance.
10. You will learn to carry your loss.
    You will find ways to keep your child alive in your heart rather than your arms. It won’t be easy, but you will grow stronger each day. Lean into the community of families who share your experience.

The path to finding peace after child loss is arduous and may take time. Each person’s journey will be distinct, even when mourning the same child. Though our hearts remain broken and our lives forever altered, we can honor our children by living fully, supporting one another, and giving back in their names. For more insights on navigating the complexities of parenthood and loss, check out this blog post.