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As I approach the conclusion of my chemotherapy treatment, I find myself enveloped in a whirlwind of emotions. Naturally, I am overjoyed to close this chapter of my breast cancer journey, yet I am also apprehensive about what lies ahead. This is not my first fight; it is my second battle against breast cancer.
Part of me longs to pop some champagne and celebrate loudly at the treatment center, while another part understands that I will be navigating the aftermath of cancer for some time. Just because I’m transitioning from being a fighter to a survivor doesn’t erase the profound trauma that leaves a mark on my heart, mind, and spirit. Anyone who has endured a traumatic experience can relate—returning to ‘normal’ is impossible after trauma.
The American Psychological Association defines trauma as “an emotional response to a terrible event,” which can include accidents, natural disasters, or assault. Initially, shock and denial are common, followed by unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. This is challenging enough, but for some, it can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). According to the Mayo Clinic, PTSD is triggered by a terrifying event and can cause lingering symptoms that interfere with daily life.
When you’ve experienced severe trauma, you can’t just “move on” or “get over” what happened. It becomes an integral part of your narrative. However, society often expects that being cancer-free means I should be grateful and live in a perpetual state of joy. Yes, I am thankful for this second chance—well, technically my third chance. Third time’s a charm, right? I hope so. But the reality is that cancer leaves an indelible mark, even when it has been eliminated through treatment. Cancer is a relentless adversary, and so is trauma, regardless of its source.
The pressure of toxic positivity can be another burden for those of us who have faced trauma. I’ve heard people say that God gives the hardest battles to the strongest warriors, implying that I was chosen for this because of my strength. Does that sound absurd to anyone else? Well-meaning comments can be dismissive and painful, adding obstacles to our already challenging journeys.
I’ve been advised to remain strong and positive, but that isn’t always a choice. While I do believe in the power of perspective, getting knocked down repeatedly makes it incredibly tough to rise with a genuine smile. Instead, I find myself slowly standing up again, bracing for the next blow.
I’ve established a solid plan: I will continue my therapy and explore EMDR to help process the medical trauma I have endured. Having undergone a double mastectomy, with a recurrence risk of just 2%, only to face cancer again, is truly horrifying. I am committed to confronting my reality, fortifying my resilience, and navigating what has been and what might be.
Rather than striving to return to a so-called ‘normal,’ I aim to create a new one. I seek peace and serenity, but I understand that these won’t just appear; they require effort. Surviving trauma doesn’t equate to instantly achieving tranquility. There are numerous steps to take from where I am now to a state of calm. I won’t simply wake up one day and bound through life carefree; after years of being on high alert, that’s not how it works.
Life after chemotherapy will undoubtedly be a blend of hope and anxiety. I look forward to my hair growing back and the side effects of medication fading. Yet, I also recognize that I must prepare for radiation and ongoing immunotherapy, which means more medical appointments, tests, and treatments. Throughout this process, I will continue to manage the emotional roller coaster that has become my default.
If you’ve experienced trauma or suspect you may have PTSD, know that there is hope. The National Institute of Mental Health recommends discussing your options with a healthcare provider. They suggest engaging in physical activity for stress relief, breaking tasks into manageable chunks, spending time with supportive friends, setting realistic expectations for symptom improvement, and participating in therapy to address trauma.
Healing is not an easy path, but I would rather move forward than remain stuck in the trauma zone. No matter how many times I’ve tried to evade the stress of my past, it inevitably resurfaces. Thus, the way forward involves confronting my struggles, celebrating my progress, and hopefully gaining insights that foster greater peace.
This article was originally published on July 7, 2021.
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Summary:
This article explores the emotional complexities of surviving cancer twice, discussing the challenges of trauma and the unrealistic expectations placed on survivors. The author emphasizes the importance of creating a new normal rather than returning to a previous state, while highlighting the ongoing struggles with anxiety and PTSD. Seeking support through therapy and understanding the healing process is crucial for navigating life post-cancer.
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