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I recently finished filling out paperwork for upcoming meetings with a loan officer and a financial advisor. To be honest, I’m not overly optimistic about my chances of affording a home in this crazy market. I don’t have a fortune saved up, nor do I want to take a risk and skip an inspection only to uncover mold, pests, or worse in a potential new home. But I need to explore my options. As we emerge from the pandemic, I’m beginning the search for my own place again. Technically, I’m still a renter, but my landlord happens to be my ex-partner, and I’ve been residing in the spare room of the house we bought together for over two years, where we raised our three children. Yes, I’m still living with my ex, but we’ve managed to find a way to make it work.
It’s been almost three years since my marriage began to fall apart. I was the one who voiced my concerns and initiated the divorce process, but I don’t assign blame to either of us for our divergent paths. I don’t view my marriage as a failure; it was filled with love, wonderful memories, and three amazing children after nearly two decades together. Ending the marriage didn’t erase those truths, but it did mean we had to forge a new reality. We needed to rediscover each other, adjusting our expectations in light of raw emotions and the complexities of co-parenting.
Initially, our decision to live together post-separation was purely financial. As the primary stay-at-home parent, my income was just starting to rise as my children began attending school full-time. I couldn’t afford to move out, and my ex couldn’t manage the mortgage alone. We accepted our situation and consciously worked to create a harmonious living environment so our kids could continue to thrive. They understood, as much as six- and eight-year-olds can, that I would eventually move out when the right house became available. We kept forging ahead, gradually establishing a new normal.
Now, the kids even suggest houses for me to buy and eagerly anticipate decorating a new room. They’re witnessing the respectful separation of their parents while realizing that some constants remain—our love for them and our commitment to being present together for their activities, school conferences, medical appointments, and holidays. While we have adopted new routines, our presence in their lives never falters. They’re also looking forward to vacations with my long-distance partner and her kids, knowing that my ex is equally excited about these new relationships.
My ex has met my new partner and has welcomed her into our lives, and I’m equally supportive of her dating. We genuinely want the best for each other. It took some time to adjust to the dynamics of new relationships; we had to learn to give each other emotional and physical space to develop individual identities. Although this was challenging, we were dedicated to being effective co-parents, leading with kindness and support even when it felt difficult. Our mediator, who also served as a life coach, played a crucial role in helping us navigate custody arrangements. Just when we thought we were reaching a resolution, the pandemic hit.
Being confined to the same house as your ex during a pandemic, while juggling three children and two full-time jobs, can feel like a nightmare. Yet, we chose to make it work. We built our foundation on respect and friendship, adopting a united front when it came to parenting. There were tough moments, but it was never toxic or abusive. I believe it ultimately helped mend some of the strains in our friendship that arose during our separation and alleviated lingering resentments. Living with my ex, someone I’ve known since I was 18, forced us to mature together in a new way. We gained independence and learned new roles without the feeling of isolation.
While we have benefited from this arrangement, we’re both ready for me to find my own place. We don’t harbor any animosity, and although living apart may complicate certain things, we’re prepared to move forward. I’m uncertain when I’ll finally be able to leave, but my ex will accompany me to the lender meeting next week. I’ll take the lead in discussions, but I asked her to be there as a friend and someone I trust to ask the questions I might overlook. When the time comes, she and our kids will join me in house hunting too.
I recognize how fortunate we are to have navigated divorce and co-parenting in a healthy manner for the benefit of our children. Our scenario is quite rare, but given the alternatives, it has been ideal—and I’m truly grateful to have married and now divorced someone who remains a friend.
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Summary
Navigating life post-divorce can be challenging, especially when living with an ex-partner. However, by fostering respect and friendship, it’s possible to create a supportive environment for children. This journey involves open communication, emotional space for new relationships, and a commitment to co-parenting effectively. Though living together has its benefits, both parties are ready to move on, highlighting the importance of adaptability and healthy relationships in the wake of change.
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