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Restrictions have finally eased, and my older children have returned to their summer camps, playing sports without masks and enjoying playdates. I’m vaccinated and can now shop for groceries without anxiety, sip coffee while wandering around Target, and even join a spin class. Thankfully, I didn’t lose anyone to COVID during this time; instead, I welcomed my fourth child into the world.
I discovered I was expecting a beautiful little girl just two weeks before the country went into lockdown. For thirty-eight weeks, I held my breath, isolated my family, attended prenatal visits alone, and even labored while wearing a mask. Somehow, we managed to stay COVID-free, my baby was born healthy, and we remain well. Yet, as life begins to return to normal, I can’t shake the feeling of being unsettled.
It’s as if there’s a storm brewing inside me—one that I keep at bay by distracting myself with the daily responsibilities of motherhood and savoring the little moments with my children. Then, out of nowhere, while I’m unwrapping a snack for my kids, I’m hit with memories of last spring, when I was alone at home with my three kids, battling severe nausea while managing remote schooling and feeling cut off from family and friends. I recall attending my anatomy scan on the heels of the CDC’s announcement that pregnant women faced higher risks from COVID, and the struggle of balancing my fears while trying to keep my family safe and sound.
The burden of making decisions for our growing family weighed heavily on me, especially when others couldn’t understand the gravity of the situation. The responsibility of carrying another life during a global crisis, while everyone else was grappling with their own worries, was immense. In those moments when everything bubbles to the surface, I focus on mundane tasks, like finishing that string cheese. I complete each task and quickly move on because confronting my feelings and the sadness that comes with them feels overwhelming right now.
Social situations feel foreign, but I know I’m not alone in this. While I’m grateful to attend events and host gatherings, there are fleeting moments when I feel trapped, wanting to gather my four kids and retreat inside. I don’t know what triggers these feelings, but I’m working through them for my children’s sake.
I find myself clinging to my eight-month-old daughter, whom I lovingly refer to as my emotional support baby. She stays close to me, and I’m only comfortable leaving her with my partner, whereas I would easily entrust my other children to family or friends. I worked so hard to keep her safe during such uncertain times, and letting go feels daunting. I struggle to trust that anyone else can protect her as I have, but I’m making progress.
There’s something unique about the bond with a baby who was carried during a pandemic, and I know I am changed because of her. Someday, I hope to process all these swirling emotions. Or perhaps they’ll gradually fade away. For now, I’m still feeling a bit disoriented—different and not quite okay. But I’m giving myself permission to exist in this space for a while, and I encourage you to do the same because, honestly, that was a tough journey. Moving on isn’t straightforward.
If you’re interested in more insights and stories, feel free to check out one of our other blog posts at Home Insemination Kit.
Also, for those navigating the journey of parenthood or looking into home insemination, Make a Mom is a great resource to consider. Additionally, for a deeper understanding of the IVF process, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy.
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- Home insemination kit
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- Pregnancy during a pandemic
- How to safely deliver during COVID
- Coping with postpartum anxiety
In summary, welcoming a new baby during the pandemic has left me grappling with complex emotions and challenges. While life is slowly returning to normal, the journey of motherhood remains uniquely demanding, especially for those of us who navigated pregnancy during such uncertain times.
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