When it comes to educating my daughters about love and intimacy, I aim to go beyond the simplistic “birds and bees” conversation. My goal is to instill in them a sense of confidence, the importance of trusting their instincts, and the necessity of remaining authentic to themselves. Although it’s a daunting task, I wish to spare them from the pitfalls I encountered during my own formative years.
Reflecting on my past experiences, I don’t feel shame so much as a strong urge to give my younger self a good talking-to. Right after university, I found dating surprisingly easy. The atmosphere was vibrant; everyone was young, unattached, and eager to connect. I frequently met new people, whether at a dive bar after midnight or through casual encounters with bartenders and patrons alike.
One night, I met Alex, a charming man who appeared relaxed in his untucked shirt and loosened tie. His disheveled hair framed his face, accentuating his lively eyes and slightly flushed cheeks. By 3 a.m., he had requested my number, and by 11 a.m. the next day, he had arranged our dinner date.
I dressed carefully for our outing, opting for a long-sleeved top to complement a short, flippy black mini skirt and towering heels. My height—just shy of 5 feet 2 inches—often made me self-conscious, prompting me to wear platform shoes that made me feel taller and more confident.
We dined at a laid-back Italian restaurant in the East Village. Conversation flowed awkwardly as we barely knew each other, but I still found him attractive. After a few glasses of wine, I excused myself to use the bathroom, which was unfortunately located down a steep, narrow staircase.
In my inebriated state and unstable footwear, I neglected to grab the railing for support. Instead, one heel slipped, and I tumbled down the steps, landing hard on my backside. The pain was immediate and intense, causing tears to well up in my eyes. As I slowly stood and rubbed the sore spot, I returned to the table, concealing my discomfort from Alex.
Today, I would have laughed off the incident, turning it into a humorous story that could have lightened the mood. But back then, I was filled with embarrassment, desperate to maintain an image of being the “cool girl” who had everything under control. I was completely unaware of the importance of vulnerability.
Despite barely knowing each other, I felt compelled to go back to his place, where we had sex that was, at best, unremarkable. During this encounter, Alex, without any consideration for my feelings, decided to spank me—right on the bruise from my earlier fall. Amazingly, I didn’t voice my discomfort. I allowed this unfamiliar person to inflict pain on me, highlighting how little I understood my own boundaries.
Eventually, I managed to shift positions, escaping the worst of it. Our relationship lasted three months, a significant duration for a connection where I never truly revealed my authentic self. Ironically, one of the moments that endeared Alex to me was when he disastrously over-salted our dinner. I accepted his flaws while hiding my own.
Now, as a mother in her forties, I have both sympathy and protectiveness for the 24-year-old version of myself who struggled to assert her needs and desires. While I recognize that my daughters will inevitably face their own challenges, I hope to guide them away from making the same mistakes I did. If only there were a way to share my story without the more painful details.
Oh, and just in case they ever come across this story online, I hope it’s buried deep enough that they’ll need to do some serious digging to find it. So, to my future daughters, remember this: Your well-being should always take precedence over your image. Cultivate confidence, trust your instincts, and remain true to yourself. And for safety’s sake, always hold onto the railing when navigating stairs.
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Summary
This reflection serves as a cautionary tale for my daughters, emphasizing the importance of self-confidence, trusting instincts, and being true to oneself while navigating relationships. It highlights the challenges of dating and the lessons learned from past mistakes, ultimately guiding them to prioritize their well-being over societal expectations.
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