If you were to consult evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar, you’d find that friendships can be measured. Dunbar, who authored Friends: Understanding the Power of Our Most Important Relationships (set to release in the U.S. this January), introduced the concept of “Dunbar’s Number,” which refers to the maximum number of meaningful relationships a person can maintain. He posits that this number averages around 150.
However, “Dunbar’s Number” is more intricate than just a single figure. Dunbar explains that relationships can be visualized as layers of concentric circles, resembling a dartboard. At the center, or bullseye, lies your most intimate relationships, likely including your romantic partner. The next circle, which typically contains about five people (including that innermost individual), consists of those who would drop everything to support you during tough times. As you move outward in multiples of three, the level of intimacy diminishes while the number of people in each ring increases. The outermost ring, when combined with the previous layers, rounds out to your total of 150, comprised of acquaintances who would attend significant life events like weddings or funerals.
It’s easy to see why the innermost circles hold such a tiny fraction—just 0.033%—of that 150. Building and maintaining close friendships requires dedication and time. Depending on life’s circumstances, we may have varying amounts of this precious resource; when it’s scarce, our closest friends might slip further from that bullseye, potentially relegated to the larger crowd of casual acquaintances.
Inevitably, we lose and gain friends over time, as relationships naturally evolve. A new friend who shares your love for a quirky show like Broad City may take precedence over someone whose taste in TV is less aligned with yours. Similarly, a friend whose political views clash with yours may find themselves pushed to the periphery of your social circle.
But is it necessary to constantly rotate friends in and out? According to Dunbar, if your closest circle only accommodates five (which is really four when you factor in your significant other), then that’s all it can hold. It’s akin to a tiny clown car; only a specific number can fit, and squeezing in extras means someone has to go.
Dunbar’s Number suggests that while we can have numerous relationships, the capacity for truly meaningful connections is limited. This notion becomes even more interesting when considering that everyone has their own version of Dunbar’s circles.
Personal Experiences
Let me share a few personal experiences:
In fourth grade, I had an unfortunate incident involving my desk and a bout of nausea. The following day, my friend Lily uninvited me to her slumber party, claiming her mother said she could only invite three girls. Just like that, I was ousted from her inner circle.
Fast forward to senior year, and I faced another setback when my best friend at the time, Mia, ghosted me. After a few too many drinks, I confronted her about it, only to be told I “wasn’t popular enough.” This gut punch relegated me to the outer ring of her social world.
At 28, I ventured to Spain for a six-month adventure, only to return and find that my former roommates had chosen my sublet over me. Another painful exile.
The dynamics of friendship can be unpredictable; my closest circle didn’t align with Lily’s, Mia’s, or my ex-roommates’. This illustrates that not only can you only maintain a limited number of close friendships, but you can also only hold so many grudges.
Conversely, I’ve also avoided forming bonds with overly eager acquaintances, operating on the mantra that “I have enough friends.” Thanks to Dunbar’s theories, I realize I’m not being unkind—more likely, I’m simply safeguarding my established 0.033%.
Dunbar’s Number serves as a reminder to be realistic about friendship’s ups and downs. Our social circles may not always be full, and we might find ourselves with more open seats than we’d like. We might attempt to force new acquaintances into our established circles, but ultimately, only those willing to join the ride will fit into our metaphorical clown car.
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In summary, Dunbar’s Number highlights the limitations of our social circles, urging us to appreciate the ebb and flow of friendships while understanding that meaningful connections require time and effort.
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