Parenting
I have a high school acquaintance, Sarah, who is the proud mother of four daughters. She epitomizes toughness: a collegiate athlete who played three varsity sports, she pushed through injuries, excelled in law school at an Ivy League institution, and even took the bar exam while in labor. Now, she thrives in a demanding role at a prestigious law firm, firmly believing in the mantra of resilience. During playdates at our local park, I’ve witnessed her children sustain injuries that would have me contemplating a trip to the ER. Yet, Sarah stands by, arms crossed like a lacrosse coach in chilly weather, insisting, “You’re fine. Just shake it off.” Her daughters get back up, sometimes weeping and bleeding, but quickly return to play.
In stark contrast, I tend to be more nurturing. I have two boys who cry frequently. They shed tears for typical reasons like minor injuries, but also for seemingly trivial matters: the youngest sobs because his hands are sandy in the sandbox, while the older one cries simply because it’s time to clean up toys. I find myself constantly wiping tears and differentiating between “valid” reasons for crying, like real injuries, and “less valid” reasons, like having too much avocado on their plates. I’m comfortable with my son seeking a brief cuddle when he falls at the playground, but less so when he cries over a twisted sweater.
As it stands, Sarah’s daughters appear to be “tougher” than my sons, rarely crying at all. On the first day of preschool, while other parents lingered to ease their children into the new environment, Sarah effortlessly dropped her daughter off with a kiss. The little girl began playing independently, while others took days to acclimate, often in tears.
The question of whether to “coddle” our children is a delicate balance all parents navigate. A recent article in The New York Times titled “Dear Parent, If Your Child Left It At Home, Don’t Bring It In” discusses how schools increasingly encourage parents not to intervene when their children forget essential items. The message is clear: if a child forgets homework, they must face the consequences and learn from the experience. In the article, a child forgot their homework but subsequently became more organized—a positive outcome.
However, this perspective overlooks the reality that some children require more support than others. Our culture often prioritizes early independence, and discussions around “helicopter parenting” dominate the narrative, overshadowing the stories of families genuinely in need of assistance.
As Catherine Newman eloquently describes, fostering “interdependence” is a value I aspire to instill in my children. She reflects on a time when she spilled flour and her son rushed in with a broom, suggesting that instead of chastising her, he could have simply helped.
Indeed, part of our role as parents is to cultivate self-sufficiency—reminding our kids to remember their homework and take responsibility for their actions. Yet, could there be gentler approaches? Instead of dismissing a child who’s hurt or neglecting to assist one overwhelmed by schoolwork, perhaps offering comfort and support would encourage empathy rather than indifference. After all, if we teach them to ignore their own pain, how can we expect them to care for others in distress?
Sarah and I share a history of attending competitive schools, and while she has embraced a high-pressure, “no pain, no gain” mentality, I’ve opted for a more relaxed approach. I believe there are various paths to success and happiness, and it’s crucial for my boys to learn the value of compassion and support. I don’t want them to simply shake off their feelings or disregard others’ struggles.
In conclusion, the question of how much to coddle—and how to balance support with fostering independence—is vital in shaping our children’s futures. Our approaches may differ, but the ultimate goal remains the same: raising well-rounded individuals who can empathize with the world around them.
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Summary:
This article explores the complex balance parents face when deciding how much to coddle their children. It highlights differing parenting styles, emphasizing the importance of empathy and support versus strict independence. The discussion raises questions about how we nurture resilience and compassion in our children while preparing them for life’s challenges.
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