Dear Home Insemination Kit,
My partner and I have been happily married for a decade, and we have two children, aged 8 and 5. Since our youngest was born, we’ve been certain that we do not want any more kids. This is non-negotiable for me due to my past struggles with postpartum depression and anxiety, plus we’re not exactly young anymore. I can’t use hormonal birth control for various reasons, and I’m not keen on getting an IUD either. The pain of insertion is excruciating, and I’ve already endured enough discomfort in my life. It’s funny how women are given only ibuprofen for IUD insertions while men get numbing shots and Valium for a vasectomy!
However, my husband is adamantly opposed to getting a vasectomy. He’s terrified of the pain, which is incredibly frustrating for me, and he won’t even schedule a consultation. Before our second child was born, he assured me he would get the procedure done afterward, and now I feel deceived. I’m deeply afraid of the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy, and the thought of having to consider an abortion or an unwanted third child is terrifying. Because of this, we haven’t been intimate in over a year. What am I supposed to do?
It’s difficult to take men seriously when they fear pain down there, especially after watching their partners go through childbirth—whether vaginally or surgically, neither is a walk in the park. You’re completely justified in your feelings.
I’m guessing this is a topic you’ve discussed extensively over the years. Does he completely shut down when you bring it up? If that’s the case, he needs to realize that he must communicate his fears and feelings with you—his partner for life and the mother of his children.
Couples counseling might be essential in this situation. If therapy is accessible and feasible for you, it would be wise to explore it as soon as possible. The anxiety you’re experiencing from this situation must be overwhelming, and I’m truly sorry you’re facing this. He needs to understand why he is so resistant to this procedure, especially when it threatens your sexual relationship, your marriage, and your mental and physical well-being. It’s likely he understands that he can’t justify his refusal in light of all these factors and would benefit from discussing this with a professional.
While it’s wise to avoid the risk of an unwanted pregnancy, a year without intimacy is a significant period. Whether he genuinely fears pain, equates his masculinity with fertility, or is simply being stubborn, he may need a third party to help him see the light. Even if you and the counselor reach the same conclusion, sometimes it takes an outside voice to bring clarity.
It’s crucial for both of you to validate each other’s feelings, but remember he’s the one who misled you. He made you believe you were both in agreement about the vasectomy, and now he’s backpedaling. Please consider seeking counseling as soon as you can. I wish you the best of luck, and I’m sending you lots of love. You deserve clarity and respect in this situation.
To learn more about pregnancy resources, check out CDC’s pregnancy page. If you’re interested in exploring options for self insemination, BabyMaker provides great information on that topic. For further reading, you might find this post on home insemination useful as well.
Summary:
This article addresses the frustrations of a woman whose husband refuses to get a vasectomy despite their agreement not to have more children. She expresses her fears about unintended pregnancy and the strain this refusal has put on their relationship, leading to a year without intimacy. The advice suggests the couple pursue counseling to communicate more effectively and address underlying fears.
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