When we hear the term “Stockholm Syndrome,” many of us might recall the notorious case of Patty Hearst. In 1974, Patty was abducted by the Symbionese Liberation Army, who intended to ransom her to her wealthy father, newspaper mogul William Randolph Hearst. Surprisingly, during her captivity, Patty developed empathy for her captors, even adopting their lifestyle by participating in bank heists and helping to extort money from her father. Despite her defense of Stockholm Syndrome in court, she received a harsh sentence of 35 years, which was ultimately reduced by President Jimmy Carter in 1979—a win for one of our favorite Georgia Democrats.
The term itself originated from a 1973 incident in Sweden, where four bank tellers were held hostage for six days by two criminals. By the time the ordeal concluded, the tellers had developed a positive rapport with their captors. This phenomenon, also referred to as trauma-bonding or terror-bonding, can manifest not only in high-profile crimes but also in abusive relationships. And I, unfortunately, find myself a victim of it.
What Contributed to My Stockholm Syndrome?
The simple explanation is that growing up with a narcissistic mother instilled in me the traits associated with Stockholm Syndrome. The complex reality is that my childhood was devoid of genuine love and attention. My mother, who often scapegoated me, made sure I felt inferior. I vividly remember her saying, “You didn’t have friends at Rainbow [my elementary school], and now you don’t have friends here [in middle school]. It’s your fault.” Constantly, I was belittled and told I lacked common sense. Driving home from my riding lessons was always a nightmare; my mother used that time to list everything I did wrong.
In families like mine, one child often becomes the “golden child” while another is the scapegoat. My younger brother, who was named after my mother, received endless praise, while I was made to feel inadequate. This psychological manipulation can have lasting effects on one’s mental health.
As Rev. Sheri Heller, LCSW, explains, “The unbearable betrayal of abuse and rejection must be walled off and denied… The child believes it is their badness that is responsible for the caregiver’s cruelty.” To cope, I had to internalize that I was at fault for my mother’s behavior, believing she was entirely justified in her actions. This distorted reality was necessary for my survival as a child, as acknowledging the truth would have shattered my hope for parental love.
The Journey to Healing
This tangled mess, which resulted in my Stockholm Syndrome (or as my therapist prefers to call it, “trauma bonding”), has left me with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I’m currently in trauma therapy, working towards separating my desires from the “trauma responses that please my mother” to discover what I genuinely want. The challenge lies in recognizing my trauma responses. For instance, I always wanted long blonde hair—not because it was mine, but because it was praised in my family. Similarly, I aimed for a supermodel figure, not for myself, but to gain my mother’s approval.
One of the hardest battles is learning to stop excusing her behavior. My husband often has to remind me: “Remember how she didn’t even call on our son’s birthday?” When I find myself feeling pity for her, he brings me back to reality. I worry she’ll read this and label me as an ungrateful child. But she spent decades painting me as such, and this article won’t change anything in her eyes. Narcissists thrive on being the center of attention, and scapegoating me fits her narrative.
Yet I sometimes wonder, should I really hold her accountable for a psychological disorder she may not fully control? Is this a generational curse that I’ve finally started to break?
Navigating the Aftermath
Battling Stockholm Syndrome requires disentangling myself from someone else’s needs and ceasing to excuse their abusive behavior. This process is incredibly challenging. Unless you’ve experienced the effects of a narcissistic parent, you may not fully grasp the struggle of finding your authentic self while hoping for a parent’s love. My husband admits he can’t fully understand.
Some days I cry; other days, I rage. I often think of getting a tattoo of a Bruce Cockburn lyric: “I’m gonna kick the darkness til it bleeds daylight.” That’s my only path forward.
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Summary
This article explores the author’s experience with Stockholm Syndrome stemming from a narcissistic upbringing. It delves into the psychological effects of growing up in an abusive environment and the author’s journey towards healing. The struggle to detach from a toxic relationship while seeking self-identity and acceptance forms the core of this reflection.
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