38 Gifts I Desire for My 38th Birthday

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I have a deep appreciation for my birthday, and an even greater enthusiasm for birthday gifts. My spouse and friends are well aware of my particular tastes, so each year, they request a list from me. While this might eliminate the thrill of surprise, it also spares me from the awkwardness of pretending to be thrilled, reminiscent of the time my mother gifted me a bright neon jacket in eighth grade—an experience I still remember with a cringe.

As I approach my 38th birthday, I’ve curated a detailed list of items, experiences, and minor miracles that I would be delighted to receive after extinguishing the candles on my gluten-free Black Forest cake with real whipped cream.

1. A dedicated individual to back up my phone weekly. This way, if I accidentally drop it in the toilet and have to take it to the Apple Store in a rice-filled bag, I won’t be met with a judgmental “What do you mean you didn’t back it up?” from the tech staff.
2. The desire for my knees and joints to stop sounding like a historic battlefield when I crouch or climb stairs.
3. The ability to merge into traffic without the dramatic head movements that leave me in need of a neck brace.
4. A complete cessation of breakouts.
5. When I say “Goodnight” and start to close my daughter’s bedroom door, I’d prefer a simple thumbs-up from her instead of an epic, lengthy recount of her day.
6. Self-cleaning pillowcases would alleviate the struggle of laundry day. There’s nothing worse than flopping into bed and inhaling the fragrance of a month’s worth of hair musk.
7. A modest increase in bust size, ideally to a B cup, achieved without surgical intervention or pregnancy.
8. Lipstick that remains in place and doesn’t leave me looking like I’ve been in an awkward encounter with a clown.
9. Zero-calorie cheese! I’d even accept a 2% chance of some mild side effects.
10. An end to the nightmares about my high school days.
11. Scented candles that can make my apartment feel at least 56 percent cleaner.
12. A stealthy cleaning device, similar to a Roomba, that can navigate my home and eliminate glitter and crumbs—my daughter’s favorite forms of decoration.
13. A consistent request for ID when I purchase alcohol, allowing me to feign annoyance while internally celebrating my youthful appearance.
14. More reality television featuring unclothed men undertaking home repairs.
15. An app that notifies me of impending “teachable moments” with my children.
16. An abundance of hugs, preferably full-body and without premature disengagement.
17. An hour of solo time in a bouncy castle—just in case!
18. A bubble bath free from any rogue hairs of various origins.
19. Two uninterrupted bathroom visits, each lasting up to 30 minutes.
20. An application that alerts me about upcoming birthdays so I can appear thoughtful and generous.
21. The ongoing ability to cure all minor injuries with a kiss.
22. Three pairs of jeans that flatter my figure, even during weeks when my dinners consist solely of Chicago Mix popcorn.
23. The courage to answer calls from unknown numbers.
24. The knack for delivering the perfect response when faced with rudeness.
25. A signature scent crafted from a perfume oil so captivating that it compels people to stop and instantaneously want to kiss me.
26. The ability to enjoy multiple glasses of wine without suffering the next day.
27. A complete absence of gray hair, anywhere on my body.
28. A brand of cheese sticks that doesn’t require an engineering degree to open.
29. A spontaneous weekend getaway with my husband—camping is a hard no.
30. Salted caramel in every possible form.
31. The proficiency to apply eyeliner without resembling a child’s art project.
32. An Uber-like service for school drop-offs, where drivers accept payment in unwrapped cheese sticks.
33. Restricted access to Instagram in the two hours leading up to bedtime to prevent mindless scrolling.
34. A wish for fewer dinners to prepare—this might be a more challenging request than the bust size.
35. Microwave popcorn that doesn’t result in a mix of 25 popped kernels and 113 searing hot ones.
36. Skin that can transition through seasonal changes without becoming excessively dry.
37. An end to crow’s feet.
38. A heartfelt desire for all my friends and family to enjoy longevity—because the thought of life without them is unfathomable.

While this list may seem extensive, I believe that as I approach this milestone age, clarity about my desires is vital. However, I’m flexible; I’d be content with just one uninterrupted bathroom visit, as long as I can bring my phone, snacks, and a book—no time limits, of course.

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Summary

This article presents a lighthearted yet candid wish list for a 38th birthday, highlighting both humorous and practical desires. It reflects on the importance of embracing one’s age while celebrating friendships and personal aspirations.