In December 2015, everything changed for me. Our tiny, four-and-a-half-pound preemie snuggled in a corner of our new apartment, her makeshift bedroom just a breakfast nook amidst a sea of unpacked boxes. Every sound she made sent my heart racing. I was anxious about her wellbeing and my own; I worried I’d struggle to make friends with other parents and mourned the life my partner and I once had. In a heartbeat, everything transforms.
“Don’t worry,” say The Mothers – the collective group of moms, from Facebook acquaintances to friends and colleagues. “It gets easier. I promise.”
Fast forward to March 2019, and once again, life takes a turn. This time, there’s more joy and less stress, but adjusting to our new addition is still a journey. We try to maintain our older daughter’s routine while navigating the new dynamics. She wonders why our family bedtime storytime has changed, asking when her sister will join us. I’m left wondering when I’ll stop washing endless bibs.
The Mothers continue to offer their wisdom: “Two is harder than one, but it will get easier.” Now, some of those Mothers are friends I can share a laugh with in the preschool parking lot when I fumble with an infant car seat.
In some ways, things have improved. I enjoy uninterrupted sleep, we have our own home with real bedrooms, and a supportive community. Routines have emerged, and we even manage to sneak in date nights and long weekends. Our kids love each other, and I can finally express my love for them without constant worry.
Yet, I, too, have comforted new moms, like last weekend when I met a tired woman at a beer garden with her sleeping newborn. She looked at my daughters and smiled, eager to share her baby’s sleep schedule. I found myself saying, “It gets easier, I promise.” I wanted to lift her spirits, to reassure her that she would soon feel like herself again.
However, that promise isn’t entirely true. As my daughters grow, especially my soon-to-be kindergartener, I see that the challenges have evolved. What once seemed monumental—potty training and sleep issues—now pales in comparison to the logistical, intellectual, and emotional hurdles we face.
Her interests are blossoming, but they often clash with my work schedule. We must choose wisely among the activities available, and as she engages in learned skills like tennis and dance, I realize that she needs my support more than ever. My presence is pivotal as she navigates these new experiences.
Moreover, her personality is shifting; she’s testing boundaries. At summer camp, she’s in a new age group with older girls and teen counselors, and at times, she can be rude and defiant. I understand she’s just trying to establish her identity, but it’s challenging to witness. We constantly rethink our approach to discipline, unsure what the right actions are.
As much as I want to guide her, I see reflections of myself in her. She is anxious, striving for perfection and being overly critical of her mistakes. These traits are innate; they are part of who she is.
Most importantly, she’s always watching. She observes how I respond to situations and how my partner and I interact. It’s a daunting realization that my daughters will model their behavior after me, whether consciously or unconsciously. I feel a greater responsibility to set a good example. I’m striving to be kinder and a better version of myself for their sake.
Soon enough, Hazel will transition into her tween and teen years, capable of addressing her own needs. But her challenges may grow far more complex than her distaste for our frozen meatballs. I will have to trust her judgment when faced with difficult decisions, a far more daunting task than what I currently manage.
In my experience, every time I thought I couldn’t handle a challenge, it would eventually ease up. Just when we’d adapt to a new normal, life would throw another curveball.
Let’s stop telling new mothers that it gets easier. That’s an unfair promise for such a demanding journey. Instead, we simply learn to navigate it better; we become more prepared for the changes that lie ahead.
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In summary, while the journey of parenthood is undeniably tough, it doesn’t necessarily get easier. Instead, we adapt and grow, learning to embrace the changes that come our way.
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