Reuniting with my mom after a year of isolation (and after both of us were vaccinated) was a whirlwind of emotions. The pure joy of embracing her again, cooking a meal for her in my home, and sharing it together was overwhelming. Watching her interact with my children, cuddling on the couch as they excitedly discussed their favorite video games, brought me to tears. After a year of only phone calls and outdoor visits at a distance, being able to engage in normal activities felt miraculous.
I anticipated the joy, gratitude, and relief of finally seeing her again after surviving such a challenging year. However, I was unprepared for the onslaught of diet culture and ingrained fatphobia that came with our reunion.
My mom, now in her 70s, grew up in a time where societal expectations dictated that women should either be thin or be dieting to achieve that ideal. Her own mother attended early Weight Watchers meetings, and I vividly remember my mom perpetually being on some diet throughout my childhood. At one point, she even sold Herbalife as part of a multi-level marketing scheme in the ’80s.
So, her preoccupation with weight and food intake shouldn’t have taken me by surprise. Yet, after a year away from it—and focusing on far more pressing issues, like ensuring she stayed safe from a deadly virus—I found her comments much more glaring.
During the pandemic, I had been preoccupied with survival, and thoughts about my own eating habits took a back seat. I was in a better place with my own relationship with food, having worked through disordered eating patterns over the years. The pandemic seemed to push those unhealthy thoughts aside. Plus, I had been immersing myself in body positivity, intuitive eating, and dismantling the harmful aspects of diet culture.
But when I sat down with my mom for that first home-cooked meal post-pandemic, I was taken aback by her repeated comments. She praised the delicious food, only to follow up with remarks about not wanting to eat too much. Then, when I presented a small cake my kids had chosen to celebrate, she took just two bites before shoving it away, exclaiming, “Get this away from me! I’ll get fat!”
I understand her intentions are not to harm my kids, but this is not the environment I want for them. We don’t label foods as “good” or “bad” in our home. While my children understand the concept of healthier versus indulgent options, we strive to foster a positive attitude toward all foods. Demonizing certain foods only breeds temptation and anxiety around eating.
Additionally, I detest hearing negative body comments in front of my kids. My husband and I never make remarks about their bodies, and while I know my mom is speaking about herself, kids often absorb the messages from adults around them.
I should have probably waited until after dinner to address my feelings, but I was too frustrated. I promptly told her that I didn’t want her discussing “being fat” around my children. Our relationship is close enough that she took it in stride, responding with an “Okay, sorry,” before changing the topic.
However, during our next visit, she made similar comments about her weight gain during the pandemic and her dieting efforts. I was astonished by how many weight-related remarks she made in just one sitting! It felt like the months of isolation had intensified her focus on weight.
This issue is clearly growing, and I feel a conversation is necessary. I doubt it’s possible to erase the ingrained diet mentality from a 70-year-old grandmother, but I want to help her understand the harmful nature of such thoughts. I want her to know she is beautiful just as she is, especially after this past year. Isn’t it time to appreciate what truly matters in life and break free from the constraints of diet culture?
Regardless, I cannot allow her to express these views in front of my children. This is a firm boundary for me. After this past year, I have realized the importance of my children’s mental well-being, and I have no tolerance for harmful rhetoric.
I hope that these insights regarding my mother’s fatphobia can lead to growth for both of us. I genuinely wish for her to learn to embrace her body and cultivate a healthier relationship with food.
In any case, her comments about weight must cease when she’s in my home.
For more on body positivity and overcoming diet culture, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination. You can also explore further on topics like couples’ fertility journeys.
Summary
Reuniting with my mother post-lockdown revealed her ingrained fatphobic beliefs, which were particularly evident in her comments about food and body image. Despite my efforts to foster a positive environment for my children around eating, her remarks about dieting and weight gain were disheartening. This experience has prompted me to consider a conversation with her about the implications of such attitudes and the importance of embracing one’s body. Establishing boundaries around these discussions is crucial for my children’s mental health.
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