I don’t know Amanda James personally. (Full disclosure: I haven’t tuned into her show nor attended one of her fitness classes.) Yet, I feel connected to her. I understand that the moment her husband — the father of her child — passed away from COVID-19 last summer, her world was irrevocably altered. I recognize that with his passing, everything she believed about life and its order was thrown into disarray. She faces the void of his absence daily, in ways both profound and subtle.
I relate to her, as we both belong to the same heartbreaking community. We are young widows navigating a world that has changed overnight. We both grapple with sleeping in a bed that used to be shared, dining at a table with an empty chair, and confronting a closet full of clothes that belong to someone who will never return. We are learning to live, parent, and redefine our identities as “me” instead of “we.”
As a fellow young widow who has walked a similar path, I feel a strong sense of protectiveness towards Amanda James. Recently, she shared that she had started dating again, and, predictably, reactions flooded in. While she received some support, criticisms also emerged. One comment pointedly remarked that her decision to date was made “too soon.”
This criticism struck a chord with me and likely resonated with every widow and widower out there. Personally, I began dating two years after my husband’s death, and I hid my dating life for the first six months out of fear of judgment — both for taking too long and for not waiting long enough. I worried that if I started dating, others would assume my grief had subsided. (It never truly goes away; it evolves, just as I do.) A lingering part of me feared that happiness was a privilege I didn’t deserve, and I believed others would agree.
Eventually, I embraced honesty about my dating life when I realized that the only person I needed to answer to was myself. I needed to prioritize my happiness (and that of my children). To Amanda’s critics, and to anyone who judges widows: No. We don’t owe you explanations. Until you’ve experienced the heart-wrenching loss of a spouse, you are not in a position to judge.
Even if you are a widow, you cannot dictate another widow’s choices. We share a tragic bond, but each of our journeys is unique. When a widow decides to date, the only appropriate response is: I support you. I encourage you to seek your happiness. It requires immense bravery to face a future that looks drastically different and take steps towards creating a new one.
Until you’ve walked in a widow’s shoes, your opinion on how she chooses to live her life holds no weight. Some widows may choose to date soon after their spouse’s passing — they deserve compassion, not scorn. Their decision to date does not mean they’ve stopped loving their spouse; it is made with love and respect for what they lost. Conversely, some choose never to date again after their loss. They, too, deserve understanding. They are not “stuck” — they are living authentically in a way that resonates with them.
No one in this widow community asked for this life. None of us who are starting to date love our late spouses any less. Whether we choose to date or not, we all deserve kindness and grace. We’ve endured unimaginable pain and have often been our harshest critics. What we truly need is compassion. When Amanda made her announcement, she deserved support and understanding, not judgment.
Amanda addressed her critics through an Instagram story and later via an Instagram Live, discussing the intense scrutiny widows face when they begin dating. She bravely shared how challenging it is to muster the courage to date again, acknowledging that she will carry her husband’s memory with her every single day, regardless of whether she finds new love. She shouldn’t have had to respond to any negative comments in the first place.
Loss is loss. No one’s grief is more or less valid. The loss of a spouse is a unique kind of devastation that alters every aspect of life. For those who have children, the impact is even more profound. Therefore, when a widow finds the strength to date, live independently, or simply get out of bed, the only valid response is: You are loved and supported.
Summary
Amanda James has started dating again a year after her husband’s death, prompting varied reactions from the public. As a fellow young widow, I empathize with her journey and urge compassion over judgment. Each widow’s experience is unique, and their choices, whether to date or remain single, deserve understanding. Loss profoundly impacts our lives, and support is essential as we navigate our new realities.
Leave a Reply