Women Are All Too Aware of ‘Weaponized Incompetence’—And We’ve Had Enough

When you mention the term “weaponized incompetence” to any woman, she’ll likely know exactly what you mean. Many women experience the frustration of seeking equal involvement from their male partners, only to be met with excuses about their lack of skills.

“I’m just not cut out for XYZ Household Chore, so I’ll leave it to you.”

It seems almost inherent for people to do the bare minimum or to exploit those who are willing to take on more. This dynamic may even start in childhood.

Recently, I tasked my 15-year-old son, Jake, with folding the laundry while I wrapped up a work deadline and instructed my 11-year-old daughter, Mia, to clean the kitchen.

Upon finishing my lessons, I found the kitchen spotless, but the laundry was another story. Much of it was folded, but in a haphazard manner. The basket still held a jumble of clothes, including socks, underwear, and workout gear. The folded items were mixed up, with my shorts mingling with my son’s clothes and Mia’s skirt somehow being included in what was supposed to be my pile.

Jake had spent the hour bouncing between the piano and the laundry, clearly not fully invested in the chore. I reminded him that he couldn’t log back online until he finished.

“I’m done,” he asserted confidently.

I explained why he was far from finished. He defended himself by saying he didn’t know which clothes belonged to whom and that he didn’t know how to fold socks or underwear.

Imagine the character Anger from “Inside Out” losing control—that was me in that moment. I could feel my temper rising as I told Jake there was a name for his behavior. “It’s called weaponized incompetence,” I said firmly. “And it’s unacceptable.”

I informed him that if he didn’t know how to accomplish any part of the task, figuring it out was part of the responsibility. Simply opting out was not an option.

He had to finish folding the clothes left in the basket and was made to unfold and identify the clothing items he claimed he couldn’t recognize. When he looked at Mia’s vibrant jungle-print skirt and thought it was mine, my frustration grew even more. “You are smarter than this,” I told him. “We are not playing these games.”

Eventually, he dropped the act—it was obvious he had been pretending—and completed folding the laundry correctly. Later, I reiterated my expectations for improvement. I wanted him to avoid developing a habit of dodging responsibilities by claiming ignorance. I explained that weaponized incompetence is a tactic often seen in many marriages, one that can lead to serious relationship issues. He was skeptical, so I shared studies revealing the unequal distribution of household labor and how often women bear the brunt of invisible tasks. I even pointed him to comment threads filled with women venting about their partners using “not knowing how” as an excuse to shirk household responsibilities.

The concept of weaponized incompetence—sometimes referred to as strategic incompetence—had been on my mind after watching a TikTok that illustrated the issue perfectly. It made my skin crawl, reminding me of the fake “not knowing” excuse that too many individuals employ to evade tasks.

While I was understandably exasperated with my son, I recognize that such behavior is typical for his age. It’s natural for adolescents to test boundaries and see how much they can get away with. He is, for the most part, a wonderful child—thoughtful, compassionate, and helpful.

However, when adults resort to this tactic, it becomes particularly frustrating. Weaponized incompetence can manifest in any relationship—friendships, professional settings, or family dynamics. Yet, extensive studies and anecdotal evidence suggest it predominantly appears in heterosexual romantic partnerships, often initiated by men.

“I’m not a great cook,” a man might say, as if culinary skills are unattainable. Or, “I keep shrinking your sweaters; laundry just isn’t my thing!” Their solution typically involves avoiding the task entirely.

Addressing Weaponized Incompetence

So, how can you address weaponized incompetence within your partnership? Many articles recommend simply telling men what they need to do around the house, as if they can’t figure it out independently. In my view, the solution to this frustrating avoidance behavior is to raise your expectations.

Recognizing that weaponized incompetence isn’t a matter of genuine inability, but rather laziness and exploitation, is key.

“Can you handle the grocery shopping this week?” “Will you let me know what’s on the list?” “Nope, part of grocery shopping is checking the fridge and pantry to see what we need. I’m confident you can manage that!”

There’s nothing wrong with dividing household tasks, but arrangements must be fair and mutually agreed upon. It’s unfair for one partner to shirk responsibilities based on their supposed incompetence in certain tasks.

As we continue into the 21st century, we should move beyond merely “asking for help.” It’s time to start anticipating it—no excuses. If someone genuinely feels unsure about a task, that’s what online resources like YouTube are for. Learn how to do it.

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Summary

Women are all too familiar with the concept of weaponized incompetence, particularly in heterosexual relationships, where men often leverage a supposed lack of skills to avoid participating in household chores. This behavior is frustrating and can be addressed by raising expectations and encouraging equitable distribution of responsibilities. Resources like YouTube can help individuals learn necessary skills rather than opting out.