I don’t know Amanda Lane. (To be transparent: I don’t watch her show or have ever attended one of her fitness classes.) Yet somehow, I feel like I know her. I understand that the moment her husband, the father of her child, passed away from COVID-19 last summer, her entire world shifted dramatically. I recognize that her understanding of the universe was fundamentally altered in an inexplicable way. I know that every single day, she grapples with his absence, in both significant and subtle ways.
I relate to her experience because we are both part of the same painful reality. We are both young widows. We have faced the challenge of sleeping in a bed that once felt full, sitting at a table that now has an empty chair. We’ve returned home to closets filled with clothes that belong to someone who will never again walk through the door. We’ve had to learn how to navigate life, parenting, and our identities as individuals rather than as part of a couple.
As a fellow young widow, I feel incredibly protective of Amanda Lane.
Recently, Amanda Lane revealed that she has begun dating again. Predictably, this announcement sparked a flurry of reactions. While some offered their support, others were quick to criticize her decision. One comment that particularly stood out suggested her choice to date was “fast,” implying that she should have waited longer.
Such criticism resonated with me (and likely with every widow and widower out there). I began dating about two years after my husband’s death, and for the first six months, I kept it a secret. I feared judgment — both for waiting too long and for not waiting long enough. I worried that people would see me dating and assume my grief had ended. (It will never truly end — not because I want to be a martyr, but because my grief will endure as long as my love does. It will ebb and flow, maturing alongside me.) I was even anxious that my pursuit of happiness was somehow unjustified, and that others would agree.
Ultimately, I found the courage to be open about dating when I realized the only person I needed to answer to was myself. The only person I had to make happy was me (and my kids). To Amanda’s critics, and to anyone who judges a widow’s journey, I say: No, we don’t owe you explanations. Until you’ve experienced this heartache, you have no right to judge. Unless you have felt the weight of that first breath after losing your spouse, you cannot sit in judgment.
Even those who have lost a spouse should refrain from criticizing another widow’s choices. Though we share a tragic bond, our lives before loss were different, and consequently, our paths after loss vary as well.
When a widow decides to begin dating, the only appropriate response is: I support you. I encourage you to pursue a life that brings you joy. It takes immense courage to lose an entire future and take steps towards finding a new one.
Until you have walked in a widow’s shoes, you have no say in how she lives or whom she chooses to date. Some widows opt to start dating soon after their partner’s death — they deserve compassion. Their choice does not signify a lack of love or respect for their lost partner. Others may choose to remain single indefinitely — they too deserve grace. They are not “stuck” or “broken”; they are simply living authentically in a way that feels right to them.
None of us in the widow community chose this life. Those of us who choose to date do not love our late spouses any less. Whether we decide to date or not, we all deserve understanding. We have endured unimaginable pain and have often been our own harshest critics. What we need is empathy. What Amanda Lane required when she made her announcement was support and understanding.
Amanda addressed the criticism first in an Instagram story and later in a more extended Instagram Live session. She highlighted the judgment that widows face when they choose to date — I would add that this scrutiny extends to any life decision they make. She shared the difficulty of finding the courage to date while acknowledging that she will always miss her husband, regardless of whether she finds new love. She shouldn’t have had to respond to any negativity in the first place.
Loss is loss. When it comes to the death of a loved one, no loss is more painful than another. Yet, the loss of a spouse is uniquely impactful. It alters every aspect of life, especially when children are involved.
Thus, when a widow gathers the strength to date, live independently, or make any significant life change (because even getting out of bed can be a challenge some days), the response should be simple: You are supported and loved.
This article was originally published on Aug. 3, 2021.
For more insights, check out this other blog post. If you’re interested in home insemination, Make a Mom offers excellent resources. You can also explore fertility insurance FAQs for more information.
Summary
Amanda Lane, a young widow, recently announced that she is dating again, prompting a mix of support and criticism. As a fellow widow, I empathize with her journey and urge others to offer compassion rather than judgment. Every widow’s experience is unique, and we all deserve understanding as we navigate our lives after loss.
Leave a Reply