Understanding Weaponized Incompetence in Relationships

Women are all too familiar with the concept of “weaponized incompetence,” and frankly, we’ve had enough of it.

Explain this term to almost any woman, and she’ll likely recognize it immediately. Many women experience the frustration of seeking equal participation in household tasks from their male partners, only to be met with the excuse of incompetence. “I can’t do this household chore,” they say, “but you can, so I’ll leave it to you.”

Perhaps it’s human nature to do just enough to get by, or to take advantage of those who are willing to shoulder more responsibility. This behavior may even begin in childhood.

A Personal Experience

Recently, I asked my 15-year-old son, Jake, to fold the laundry while I wrapped up some work and taught two violin lessons online. My 12-year-old daughter, Lily, was tasked with cleaning the kitchen.

When I finished my lessons, the kitchen sparkled, but the laundry situation was less than ideal. While some clothes were folded, they were haphazardly arranged, making it hard to distinguish between items. The basket still held a jumble of clothes, including socks and workout gear. Jake had been more focused on his phone than on folding the laundry, clearly not fully invested in the task. I reminded him he couldn’t return to his online activities until he completed his chores.

“I’m done,” he declared confidently.

I explained why his work was incomplete. He argued that he didn’t know which clothes belonged to whom and claimed he couldn’t fold certain items. At that moment, I felt the kind of frustration that could be likened to a character from a movie exploding in rage.

Through gritted teeth, I informed him of a term for what he was doing: “It’s called weaponized incompetence,” I said. “And I won’t stand for it.” I made it clear that part of being responsible for a task included figuring out how to complete it.

Jake eventually finished folding the clothes properly after I insisted he address the items he had left behind. Later, we had a conversation about expectations. I emphasized that I didn’t want him to develop a habit of avoiding responsibilities by pretending he didn’t know how to do them. I explained that weaponized incompetence is a common tactic among men in relationships, and it can be detrimental to those partnerships.

Raising Awareness

He was skeptical about the prevalence of this issue, so I shared research on the unequal distribution of household chores and the burden often placed on women. I showed him countless discussions from women feeling overwhelmed by partners who claim they don’t know how to help.

The term “weaponized incompetence,” also known as strategic incompetence, had been on my mind after watching a TikTok video that illustrated this frustrating dynamic perfectly.

While I was understandably annoyed with Jake, I recognize that it’s typical for adolescents to test boundaries. Adults, however, should know better. This behavior can occur in any relationship—friendships, family, work—but studies indicate it’s particularly prevalent in heterosexual romantic relationships, often perpetrated by men.

“I’m just not a good cook,” some might say, as if culinary skills are impossible to acquire. Or “I keep ruining your sweaters; I guess I’m just not good at laundry!” This line of reasoning allows them to sidestep their responsibilities.

Combating Weaponized Incompetence

So how can one combat weaponized incompetence in their relationship? Many articles suggest simply telling partners what to do, as if they’re unable to figure it out independently. However, I believe the better approach is to raise expectations.

Weaponized incompetence isn’t about genuine inability; it’s about laziness and exploitation. When asked to handle grocery shopping, for example, one might respond, “What do we need?” The answer should be, “Part of the task is assessing what’s in the fridge and pantry. You can handle that.”

Assigning specific chores within a household is perfectly acceptable, but it must be fair, and both partners should agree to their respective duties. It’s unreasonable for one person to shirk responsibilities based on their self-proclaimed lack of skill in certain areas.

In today’s world, we’ve moved beyond merely asking for help; it’s time to start expecting it—no excuses allowed. If someone genuinely feels unsure about how to complete a task, there are countless resources available, including YouTube tutorials to guide them.

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Conclusion

In summary, weaponized incompetence is a frustrating tactic that can undermine relationships, particularly in heterosexual partnerships. It’s crucial to hold partners accountable and expect equitable contributions in managing household responsibilities. We need to move beyond merely asking for help to demanding fair participation.