The message was brief but unmistakable. I hadn’t been responding to calls or texts for months. Clearly, I was not away traveling; this was a conscious decision on my part. She understood and said her goodbyes, mentioning perhaps we’d meet again someday. Who knows? I certainly don’t.
A friend of mine once remarked that real friends don’t just ghost each other. While that may hold true in many instances, my experience in the past couple of years differs. I’ve had someone drift away from me, and I chose to end that relationship. But this situation was unique.
I had known Sally since 1976. We served together in the military, two girls from Florida who enlisted and found ourselves in Officer’s Basic in one of the last all-female classes at Fort McClellan, Alabama. We became neighbors at the bachelor officers’ quarters at Fort Belvoir. She was an extraordinary, witty, and passionate woman who eventually surpassed my career in every respect. She climbed the ranks while I moved west, and we’d catch up whenever I visited the East Coast for work. Despite her success, I still remembered the simple things, like the color of her teddy bears.
As the years passed, our communications dwindled, but we always managed to have those deep, meaningful conversations that kept our bond alive. I couldn’t pinpoint the moment when our paths diverged, but I began to sense that we had entered different worlds, particularly when it became apparent that our discussions were no longer as open and honest as they once were.
She had supported John Kasich’s presidential run, but then she backed Trump. Initially, I tried to understand her perspective, even though both of us had shared experiences of assault. She expressed harsh opinions about Hillary, whom I also found unappealing, but I could clearly see who was the better option. Anyone but Trump, I thought, and I was proven right in every way.
I lost a long-time friend over that first election. Last summer, after nearly four years of silence, we spoke again. One of the first things she mentioned was attending the Mt. Rushmore rally. My heart sank. Here we go again.
Later in our conversation, she made a comment about Covid that suggested she believed it was a hoax or that the figures were exaggerated. She asked if I really believed what I was hearing. I had just finished a call with a nurse friend whose life had been devastated by the virus; she was terrified, especially given her age and health issues. I couldn’t comprehend how Sally could question the reality of the situation.
When we wrapped up our conversation, she expressed a desire to talk more often. I felt at a loss for words, grappling with the reality of yet another significant part of my life slipping away, like an iceberg breaking off and drifting into oblivion. I realized then that we would not speak again. Another decades-long friendship lost to political differences.
I also have a friend I met online, a retired Army Ranger, who is a staunch Democrat. When it became clear he was moving back East, we decided to keep in touch. We often discuss politics, and he shared that the moment he learned someone supported Trump, he was done with them. He and I had tolerated friends voting for him the first time, but to support him again after all that had unfolded? That was a line neither of us could cross.
Over the years, I have had to let go of several cherished friendships. Two of them, I simply chose to release. My friend JC might call it ghosting, but both were vibrant personalities. I wanted to avoid a bitter ending. While you may label me a coward, I preferred to remember them as they were: brilliant, funny, and remarkable women. They likely think I’ve lost my way for choosing to lean left and embrace my diversity.
When values no longer align, maintaining closeness becomes challenging. This schism in America has caused significant rifts, similar to those seen during the Civil War, often for the same reasons. I cannot support anyone or anything that perpetuates oppression. The fact that we are still fighting these battles is a deep stain on our society. I know where I stand, and I’ve lost friends over it. Some things are simply non-negotiable.
I would never expect my friends to change their beliefs for my comfort. I cherish the years we shared, the lessons learned, and the time spent together. I wish them all the best on their journeys.
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