In many respects, I’ve been fortunate throughout the pandemic. Thankfully, my family has avoided COVID-19, and while I’ve known individuals who faced severe illness, no one close to me has died. My husband and I maintained our jobs, and our children’s mental well-being remained largely intact despite the strict lockdown during the pandemic’s early days.
When it came to managing our family’s pandemic experience as working parents, my partner truly stepped up. He played an active role in supporting our kids with the chaos of online schooling while we both worked from home when COVID first emerged. He even took a leave of absence for the 2020-2021 school year to assist with their online learning, which ultimately turned into full-time homeschooling for our youngest.
During this time, he took on more household responsibilities without complaint or much guidance. He’s practically a saint.
However, he hasn’t carried the emotional or mental burden of the pandemic in the same way I have, nor has he actively participated in making family decisions regarding our safety. I don’t blame him; it’s just not in his nature to get overly stressed about matters beyond his control, such as a global pandemic. I’ve always been the one to make crucial decisions regarding our kids’ safety, knowing he would defer to my judgment if it truly mattered.
Let me illustrate my situation. I’ve been the one to determine how much social interaction our family has had during the pandemic and in what manner. When things began to open up in the summer of 2020, I decided that outdoor visits with relatives, while wearing masks, were the safest option since no one was vaccinated, and it was hard to trust that the virus hadn’t been unknowingly passed around. My husband agreed with my decision and was supportive, feeling it was the right call.
As we approached the last school year, my husband shared my concerns about sending the kids back to school during a pandemic, particularly with uncertain safety protocols. While he was aligned with my worries, he didn’t spend sleepless nights researching every study on COVID in children, mask effectiveness, and ventilation standards. He didn’t lie awake worrying about balancing our children’s mental health with their safety.
He also wasn’t the one to make the final decision. It wasn’t just because he knew I would likely take the lead; he simply didn’t feel strongly enough to have a definitive opinion. He leaned toward keeping the kids home but lacked the intense emotional investment I had.
Now, as we face the Delta variant, I find myself in the same exhausting cycle. It was a relief when three out of four of us were vaccinated this past spring. For a fleeting couple of months, I felt a little less burdened by the pandemic’s emotional weight. While we still had to protect our unvaccinated child, it seemed manageable and didn’t involve many decisions.
But now, with the Delta variant complicating things, I’m back to feeling overwhelmed. Every parent has been caught off guard by Delta; case numbers surged just when we thought we were emerging from the worst of it. The reality that vaccinated individuals can still catch and spread the virus has added a new layer of complexity for families with unvaccinated children.
I’ve been consumed with worries about protocols when visiting vaccinated family members to prevent them from unknowingly passing the virus to our unvaccinated child. I’m also trying to determine the best quality mask for school and whether attending school is safe for my child. Once again, sleepless nights of worry have returned, and I’ve found myself crying in corners more than once.
I’m utterly exhausted. Tired of the pandemic, and worn out from trying to navigate through it. While my husband acknowledges the situation is frustrating, he doesn’t feel the same level of emotional turmoil I do, partly because he knows I will shoulder the mental load and make the decisions for our family.
I appreciate that he trusts my judgment, and it’s not his nature to obsess over these matters. I’m not even sure I want him to. At least one of us can maintain a level head amid the chaos.
Still, the burden feels heavy, and I often wonder if there’s a way for him to engage more in the decision-making process. Should he feign stronger opinions about what we should do? Should he recognize there are decisions to make before I begin worrying about them?
Honestly, I’m uncertain about what I want or expect to change. But I feel weighed down by it, and I know I’m not alone in this feeling. The pandemic is challenging for everyone, but being the designated family decision-maker adds a unique layer of stress.
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Summary
The pandemic has placed a heavy emotional burden on many, especially those who take on the role of family decision-maker. While some partners support operational tasks, the mental load often falls on one person, leading to exhaustion and feelings of isolation. Striking a balance in decision-making and sharing the emotional weight can help alleviate this burden, but navigating these challenges remains complex.
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