When my partner and I endured our first miscarriage, I found myself enveloped in a bubble of support, at least initially. Many women reached out to share their own stories of loss, helping me feel less isolated. Online communities offered solace, reminding me that I was among many who had faced similar heartache.
While I received a great deal of attention, my partner, Mark, went back to work the very next day. One colleague remarked, “That’s tough. Is your partner doing okay?” This comment centered on my loss, with little acknowledgment of Mark’s pain. The physical toll of my grief was apparent, but the emotional burden weighed heavily on both our hearts.
I wasn’t the only one struggling with the shattered dreams we had for our baby; Mark was grieving too. When I experienced another miscarriage years later, the support system remained the same: friends brought meals and comfort, but few reached out to check on Mark’s wellbeing.
Mark’s Journey and Insights
Mark Johnson, a devoted husband and father of three, is also the creator of the fatherhood blog Dad Life Chronicles. He has authored a new book, Fathers and Loss: A Guide to Understanding Grief and Healing After Miscarriage, where he delves into how miscarriage impacts fathers and the importance of open communication.
Together with his wife, Lisa, Mark shares candidly about their journey through pregnancy loss, male-factor infertility, and the emotional hurdles they faced. He also includes insights from nine other fathers who have navigated similar experiences.
In a heartfelt conversation with Mark and Lisa, we explored their experiences and the complexities of family building amid grief. Despite their heartbreak, they now celebrate three beautiful children and acknowledge their unique journey through loss.
Facing Loss Together
Throughout eight years, the Johnsons faced five pregnancy losses, including the heart-wrenching decision to terminate a pregnancy in the second trimester. “It really hit me hard! If I, an everyday guy, was struggling this much, I knew there were others out there feeling the same way,” Mark reflects.
Mark felt it crucial to have Lisa’s perspective in their book. “As a cisgender white male, I didn’t want to undertake this without including my wife. The birthing partner often bears the brunt of the emotional toll, and I wanted to ensure that our experiences were shared together,” he explains.
Lisa adds, “It was challenging for me to revisit those feelings, but I felt it was important to shed light on our story, especially the abortion aspect.”
Mark’s journey with male-factor infertility was a significant part of their story. “In many ways, that was tougher than the miscarriages,” he admits. The diagnosis was a heavy blow to his self-image. “I felt shattered, and dealing with that shame was tough. The more we share our stories, the less stigma there will be around it.”
The couple acknowledges that communication during their journey was sometimes a struggle. “I needed Mark to express his feelings more openly. I wish he had shared his emotions directly with me rather than just writing about them online,” Lisa shares.
A Painful Turning Point
Their decision to terminate a pregnancy due to severe congenital anomalies was a painful turning point. Faced with the reality of a child diagnosed with a condition incompatible with life, they made the heartbreaking choice to prioritize Lisa’s health and alleviate suffering.
The viral moment when Mark confronted anti-choice protestors outside the clinic became a catalyst for their healing process. “That experience opened up a new path for me to support others facing similar struggles,” he reveals.
Mark and Lisa also gathered stories from other fathers, revealing a common sentiment: many men initially cope with loss through anger and a desire for control. “When faced with a problem, many men instinctively want to fix it, which can lead to frustration when it feels impossible to do so,” Mark explains.
Insights for Partners
While their book, Fathers and Loss, is aimed at men, it also seeks to resonate with women whose partners might seem emotionally detached. “We want to offer insight into the often unspoken pain fathers feel during these experiences,” Mark says.
The Johnsons hope to challenge societal expectations around masculinity, encouraging more men to confront their grief and share their experiences openly.
Further Reading and Resources
For more insights on similar topics, check out this blog post about home insemination and learn from experts at Make a Mom on the journey of parenthood. You can also find excellent resources on fertility and insurance options at UCSF’s fertility page.
Search queries that might be relevant include:
- how to support a partner after miscarriage
- coping with male-factor infertility
- miscarriage support for fathers
- emotional impact of miscarriage on men
- communicating during pregnancy loss
In summary, Mark and Lisa Johnson’s story sheds light on the often-overlooked emotional toll of miscarriage on fathers. Their book, Fathers and Loss, serves as a vital resource for men seeking to understand and express their grief, while also providing insights for their partners navigating this painful journey together.
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