I’ve been sitting here, staring at a blank document for what feels like hours. I’ve typed a few words, only to delete them all. Why? Because it feels impossible to convey, “I am a victim of domestic violence and abuse.” Those words seem wrong, illogical. Yet here I am, writing them while sitting across from my partner, who once tried to drown me and struck me without hesitation.
Before delving deeper into my current situation, I should provide some context about my past. I just revealed a heavy truth—one that I don’t share lightly. When I first met my partner in the fall of ’96, he wasn’t the monster I’ve come to know. He was a kid, my 12-year-old friend and artistic companion, and we grew up together.
We shared countless experiences: reading poetry, attending concerts, moshing to our favorite bands, and playing video games. But somewhere between his 12th birthday and his 20th, he transformed. No, it wasn’t him who changed; it was his relationship with alcohol that shifted, and the sweet boy I knew morphed into someone cruel and violent. He became an abuser.
I could recount specific instances of his abuse, like the time he blackened my eye over something as trivial as a banana. But those details, while significant, don’t fully capture my experience. They are mine, personal and painful. Recounting them triggers my PTSD and brings back the trauma I live with daily.
What I can share is that he was abusive. I endured that abuse and chose to remain in this toxic relationship for years. Even now, when the violence has stopped and he no longer drinks, I still find myself here. Why? Because our relationship is complex. I love him deeply, and that love hasn’t faded. The dynamics of our relationship and the nature of the abuse weren’t always clear-cut. Leaving is not just difficult; it’s almost impossible.
You might think, “Just get up and walk away.” But that’s far from the truth. Abuse reshapes you—physically, emotionally, and mentally. It dismantles your self-worth and instills a paralyzing fear. Many times, the thought of leaving feels more terrifying than staying. Statistics reveal that the period following a decision to leave is often the most dangerous in an abusive relationship.
There are numerous reasons individuals remain in these situations. Most abusive relationships follow a cycle where the bad times are often interspersed with apologies, affection, and promises of change. My abuser frequently expressed, “I love you so much.” Some stay, hoping to change their partner, clinging to the memory of the person they once were rather than the abuser they’ve become. Guilt and shame also play significant roles. Leaving means facing the uncomfortable reality that you accepted unacceptable behavior. You may feel weak, ashamed, and helpless.
Logistical concerns—children, finances, housing—also complicate the decision to leave.
I understand how challenging it can be to grasp why someone would stay in such a situation. I could discuss the impacts of abuse endlessly, but unless you’ve experienced it—unless you’ve endured physical, emotional, or psychological harm—you cannot fully comprehend the emotional turmoil involved. It’s not about understanding; it’s about empathizing. Support them without judgment or stigma. Offer love and understanding, because true love is boundless.
So please, refrain from judging those who remain in abusive relationships. Every day is a struggle. Leaving is not easy.
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In summary, it is crucial to approach the topic of abusive relationships with empathy and understanding. Many individuals find themselves trapped in complex emotional and logistical dilemmas that make leaving incredibly challenging.
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