I cherish the friendships I’ve formed throughout different phases of my life—friends from elementary school, high school, college, and those I’ve met as an adult through work and motherhood. Each one holds a special spot in my heart. Social media helps me stay connected; a quick “like” lets my friends know I’m thinking of them without requiring much effort. There are occasional texts and perhaps a coffee date now and then, but most understand that as a busy mom of four, my time is limited. I simply don’t have the bandwidth for a high-maintenance friendship.
However, my best friend stands out as the most demanding of them all. We were college roommates and have shared countless experiences. I stood by her during her marriage in our junior year, supported her through a divorce, and cheered her on in her second marriage. I even flew to Vegas for her third wedding. Our bond has lasted for 25 years, but her expectations have become overwhelming, and I can’t meet them anymore.
Unlike me, she has chosen not to have children, focusing instead on indulging herself, her dogs, and her husband. She enjoys a lavish lifestyle with designer items and an upscale city loft. She travels the world, while my life revolves around my four kids and a minivan. We are on entirely different wavelengths, and she doesn’t seem to grasp that.
I’m not in the car for hours on end, and I can’t chat whenever she feels like it. Often, I see her calls and send them straight to voicemail. My time is spent cleaning, helping with homework, or driving to practices—there’s no way I can sacrifice that for her concerns, which sometimes feel trivial. I’m sorry your nail technician did a poor job, but does that really warrant a phone call? A text with a quick “that’s unfortunate” should suffice.
She cannot comprehend why I don’t prioritize getting my nails done every two weeks or why I can’t drop everything to join her. She thinks I’ve “lost myself,” but my priorities have simply shifted. I enjoyed getting my nails done when I worked outside the home, but now, I’d rather spend that money on my kids. The difference in our lifestyles is vast, yet she fails to see it.
Our outings are also different—while she can jet off to Mexico at a moment’s notice, my “date night” might be a trip to Target alone. Just a few weeks ago, while on a long-awaited family vacation, she called me on the first day. When I told her I was at the beach, she responded that she just wanted to chat. Two days later, she FaceTimed me three times while we were playing mini golf, and I called back thinking it was urgent. The reason? She simply missed me. It feels as though I can’t enjoy my life without her knowing every detail.
To be fair, I do reach out to her, but only when I can genuinely give her my full attention. I want to hear about her life, but I don’t need multiple calls each day. I don’t even check in with my husband that often!
I recognize that her life has its challenges and that she can feel lonely. But as a mom, I rarely have the luxury of feeling lonely when I have five people relying on me. My focus is on them, not on pondering my own solitude.
I don’t pity her because she leads a fulfilling life. She simply chose a different path than I did, and I don’t regret my decision to prioritize motherhood over a career. I wish she could understand that and offer me the same courtesy of not inundating me with her demands.
She is my best friend, and I would drop everything for her in a genuine emergency. She knows I would. We’ve been through so much together, and I love our dinners and the rare pedicure day. I just wish that was enough for her. A simple “hey” text is often all I can manage these days.
I want her in my life forever and hope we can continue to share both our joys and struggles. Ultimately, there’s no one I’d rather talk to, but I can’t commit to 45 minutes at 7:30 a.m. on a Tuesday.
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Summary:
My best friend, who is very high-maintenance, often demands more from our friendship than I can give. While we’ve shared many experiences over the years, her lifestyle and priorities differ greatly from mine as a busy mom of four. Despite my love for her, I struggle with the intensity of her needs, wishing she could understand my limitations.
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