Marriage and Parenting: The Reality Behind the Smiles

I’m fortunate to be in a happy marriage—strong and fulfilling. My partner treats me well, and I strive to do the same for him. As Maren Morris would say, “the foundation is solid.” We have three kids, all of whom we genuinely wanted. Our family consists of two adults, three children, and a couple of dogs. This was our dream, and we embraced it fully.

However, I’ll be the first to acknowledge that even a “good” marriage can face significant challenges when you add kids into the mix.

Anyone who claims that juggling children while also nurturing a romantic relationship is a breeze is simply not being truthful. The daily responsibilities of parenting bring countless hurdles—no one can convince me otherwise. Amid all the joyous moments of raising kids, there are also many tedious and stressful times. It’s unrealistic to think that parenting stress won’t spill over into your marriage. I refuse to accept that notion.

Let’s Have an Honest Dialogue

Can we please have an honest dialogue about marriage and parenthood? It should be perfectly acceptable to share with friends, family, and even on social media that the journey of raising children alongside a partner is a mix of rewarding and tough experiences. Life can get challenging, and that’s completely normal. We should be able to express this without feeling the need to add qualifiers about how much we adore our partners or how great they are as parents. The shiny veneer we put on our everyday issues feels isolating and insincere.

Especially online. Do these influencers genuinely believe they’re convincing anyone that, as a family with three kids, they spend their time doing idyllic activities like kissing in a sunflower field or getting matching tattoos with phrases like “To Infinity” and “And Beyond”? In reality, we’re all changing diapers, applying sunscreen, cooking chicken nuggets, and bemoaning the overflowing trash can. Let’s get candid.

It’s perfectly fine to say, “We’re facing some tough times in our marriage right now,” without scrambling to list the things you appreciate about your partner first. The struggles are universal for many reasons.

The Financial Strain

First off, raising kids is costly. My partner serves in the military, and I’m a freelancer. Our jobs don’t exactly make us rich. We’re comfortable and never lack for necessities, but we can’t always afford those little extras that might enhance our marriage.

Spontaneous weekend getaways or regular date nights are out of the question for us. We often have to navigate our tough moments together at home, which can make those challenges feel more prolonged or difficult to work through—and that’s perfectly okay.

Prioritizing Marriage

Additionally, kids make it hard to prioritize your marriage. I can’t always be the partner I once was because time is a precious commodity nowadays. Keeping my marriage healthy is essential to me, but kids have urgent needs that can’t be ignored. I can’t overlook a dirty diaper, a fever, or a school folder overflowing with permission slips just to spend quality time with my husband. Our kids require meals, transportation to activities, baths, and playtime with us. We also need to manage household chores and prepare for school. Even a regular day feels hectic when you’re trying to keep everything together.

We don’t always have the luxury of sitting down to resolve every disagreement or frustration completely. We tackle the big issues and sometimes let the minor ones slide. Even when time allows, we may lack the mental energy to address everything. After the kids are asleep or occupied, sometimes all I want to do is sit on my bed and scroll through TikTok for a while. My husband often prefers to finish up work or unwind with some TV. We can’t be productive all the time; it can be draining to never have a moment to just relax.

Letting Go of Irritations

When we’re both exhausted, it’s necessary to let little irritations go. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day to address everything. Yes, I recognize that ignoring those small frustrations can lead to rough patches, but it doesn’t mean our love has diminished or that we’re contemplating separation. It doesn’t indicate anything dire about our marriage’s future.

It’s just how things are when two people take on the monumental, rewarding, and challenging task of raising children together. Small annoyances can accumulate, and perceived imbalances in parenting duties can breed resentment. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes, when parenting gets complicated, you have to push through together, and when the dust settles, you can work on ironing out the wrinkles.

The “Scratchy Patch”

I often refer to the months following a new baby as the “scratchy patch.” It’s not a rough patch in the traditional sense; we’re not on the brink of separation or falling out of love. But it’s certainly not smooth sailing either. Welcoming a baby adds stress—those little ones can be demanding.

Every marriage experiences some level of strain when children are involved. I’m happy to admit this without feeling the need to defend our relationship or reassure anyone that we’re not on the verge of divorce during these tough times. Even the strongest, most loving marriages face challenges. Yours, mine, and even that seemingly perfect couple on Instagram with matching tattoos and sunflower photos.

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In summary, marriage and parenting are undoubtedly hard, even for the happiest couples. The challenges are universal, and acknowledging them is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. Embracing the ups and downs without the pressure to present a perfect picture can lead to greater understanding and connection.