Let me be clear: I cherish my role as a mother. It’s a profound gift and a privilege. Yet, it can also feel incredibly lonely and isolating. Being the default parent is no walk in the park.
To say I’m exhausted is an understatement. My day starts at 5:00 AM, tending to my youngest, followed by caring for my baby boy. By 7:00 AM, I’m engaged with my oldest, helping her dress and serving her breakfast. By 9:00 AM, I’m knee-deep in work—emails to answer, articles to write, and deadlines looming. Did I mention this daily routine kicks off after yet another late night of cleaning and chores that kept me busy until 11:00 PM? That’s the reality of being the default parent; it’s a relentless juggling act.
What is a Default Parent?
You might be wondering what exactly a default parent is. I was in the same boat when I first heard the term. The default parent is the individual who takes on or is expected to handle the bulk of child-related responsibilities. This person manages schedules, doctor appointments, and is the go-to when the kids fall ill. Default parents often prepare meals and keep the household running, from cleaning to laundry. If you have young kids, you know the endless cycle of picking up toys. We wear many hats: chefs, caregivers, teachers, and entertainers. We are the emotional backbone of our families while also carrying the weight of snacks and playdates.
Moreover, default parents are responsible for school pickups, driving to extracurricular activities, and providing homework help. We are the ones who take off work for unexpected daycare calls or to mend scraped knees. The expectation is that we are always “on call,” without sick days or holiday pay. We don’t enjoy leisurely lunch outings or even a moment of privacy in the bathroom. Honestly, I would relish the chance to commute to an office, if only to enjoy a moment of stillness and listen to some music or a podcast.
The Challenges of the Role
While I genuinely love being a mom, there are days when it’s challenging. The role can feel suffocating and create tension at home, especially when I find myself resenting my partner for his perceived freedom. I often envy his ability to engage in a life that isn’t dictated by constant need.
As the default parent, I also find it frustrating to ask for help when I need it. For instance, seeing my psychiatrist or therapist requires arranging for a sitter, which is a hassle. It feels unfair, especially since many default parents are mothers, balancing work both inside and outside the home.
The legal system reflects this too; custody decisions often favor mothers, acknowledging that in most households, women are the primary caregivers. Whether by choice or necessity, we carry the mantle of this demanding role.
Finding Value and Seeking Help
That said, I recognize my contributions are valued. I feel loved and appreciated, even if my youngest can only express it with limited toddler vocabulary. The cuddles and kisses I receive are treasures. My daughter, on the other hand, articulates her love and gratitude, reminding me of the importance of my role.
Yet, like anyone, I crave moments of solitude. I long for the chance to enjoy a peaceful shower or to use the bathroom without an audience. I dream of a day when someone else handles the lunch packing, permission slips, and school runs.
To help alleviate the stress, I’ve started reaching out to my husband for support. I’m learning to ask for help, which is a privilege not everyone has, but it’s essential for my well-being and for me to be a better parent. This journey is about using the resources available to me to foster a more relaxed home environment.
Further Reading
For more insights, check out this related blog post on home insemination. If you’re exploring options for home insemination, consider visiting Make a Mom, a trusted source on the topic, as well as the NICHD for comprehensive information on pregnancy.
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Summary
Being the default parent is a challenging, often isolating role filled with responsibilities that can lead to feelings of resentment and exhaustion. Despite the love and appreciation from children, the demands can feel overwhelming. It’s essential to ask for and accept help to maintain balance and well-being.
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