Let’s be clear: I cherish my role. Motherhood is both a privilege and a joy. However, it can also feel incredibly lonely and isolating. Being the default parent is no easy feat.
To say I’m exhausted is an understatement. My day begins at 5:00 AM as I feed my youngest and tend to my baby boy. By 7:00 AM, I’m entertaining my oldest, helping her get dressed, and serving up Cap’n Crunch. By 9:00 AM, my workday starts, filled with emails, article writing, and looming deadlines. And this whirlwind begins after yet another late night spent cleaning, showering, and catching up on chores. Why? Because I’m the default parent—the one expected to manage everything.
What is a Default Parent?
If you’re wondering what a default parent is, you’re not alone; I was perplexed when I first heard the term. A default parent is the individual who takes on the bulk of childcare responsibilities. They coordinate schedules, manage doctor appointments, and are the go-to person when the kids are sick. Default parents often handle mealtimes, chores, and the endless cycle of toy pick-up, especially when little ones are involved. We wear many hats: cooks, nurses, teachers, entertainers, and caregivers. We’re the heart and soul of our families, always on call.
But it goes beyond that. Default parents are the ones who pick kids up from school, drive them to activities like baseball, soccer, gymnastics, or dance, and assist with homework. We are the ones called when daycare needs an early pickup. Default parents soothe wounds and wipe away tears, yet we rarely get a break—we don’t receive sick days or holiday pay. We even forgo the simple pleasure of commuting to work, a luxury I’d gladly embrace just to enjoy a few moments of solitude, perhaps listening to music or a podcast.
The Loneliness of Motherhood
While I adore being a mother, it can also be incredibly lonely. The demands of being a default parent can lead to frustration and tension at home. I find myself grappling with feelings of resentment toward my partner, envying his freedom and the adult life he leads outside of constant demands.
Moreover, being the default parent means needing to ask for help, which can be infuriating. For instance, I can’t attend my psychiatrist appointments without arranging for childcare. It feels unjust, especially considering that many default parents are mothers who juggle responsibilities both at home and in the workplace.
The legal system often reflects this reality. Custody arrangements typically favor mothers, acknowledging that we’re often the primary caregivers, whether by choice or circumstance.
Finding Value in My Role
Nevertheless, I know my contributions are valued. My youngest may not articulate it yet, with his limited vocabulary of words like “mama,” “dada,” and “more,” but he shows affection through snuggles and sloppy kisses. My daughter expresses her love and gratitude, reminding me of the wonderful aspects of this journey.
Yet, like anyone, I crave moments of solitude. I long for peaceful showers, uninterrupted bathroom breaks, and the luxury of simply shutting off my mind for a day. It would be nice if someone else could handle packing lunches, signing permission slips, and shuttling the kids around.
Learning to Ask for Help
To help alleviate my stress, I’ve started reaching out to my husband for support. I’m learning to ask for help, which is a privilege not everyone may have, but it’s essential for my well-being as a parent. Utilizing the resources I have, I strive to become a more relaxed and effective mom.
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Summary
Being the default parent is both rewarding and challenging. It involves juggling countless responsibilities while navigating feelings of isolation and frustration. Learning to seek help can make a significant difference in managing the demands of parenthood.
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