You Are Not an Unfit Mother: A Reassurance for Caregivers

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Recently, I received a message from a woman I only know online. The subject line was concerning: “I think I’m an unfit mother.” Naturally, I opened it immediately, eager to understand her feelings. The email expressed sentiments like: “I adore my kids, but sometimes I just don’t like them.” She shared her struggles: the lack of intimacy with her partner, her efforts to instill values in her children, and yet, at home, they seemed unruly. She felt overwhelmed, believing her children deserved a better mother and fearing she might have damaged them irreparably.

If these thoughts indicate an unfit mother, then we would all fall into that category! I can assure you, I’m not alone in expressing frustration over my children’s behavior. Many parents have encountered similar situations where their kids behave well for teachers or strangers but act out at home.

Every parent aspires for their children to grow into kind, responsible, and compassionate individuals. We want them to thrive and contribute positively to society. When they do, it not only makes parenting more enjoyable, but it also reinforces our sense of accomplishment as caregivers.

Creating a child is the most significant endeavor many will undertake. As a mother, you nurture life within you, and when your child enters the world, they seem perfect and innocent. However, the real challenge begins after birth. Parenting involves ongoing effort, and sometimes, despite our best intentions, we may not guide them as effectively as we hope.

I often share photos of my children engaging in wholesome activities on social media—cooking, reading, or working together. These moments are precious and a source of pride, but they represent only a fraction of our reality. The majority of the time can be chaotic, with challenges that test our limits.

For instance, during a recent vacation, my children had a collective meltdown as we tried to leave for the beach. It was pandemonium—screaming, fighting, and tears. It was chaotic and certainly not something I’d post on social media. Yet, that’s real life.

Every child understands the difference between right and wrong, and they know the expectations set for them. In moments of compliance, I feel confident in my parenting skills. Conversely, during difficult times, like that vacation incident, I sometimes question my abilities. These challenging moments are far more frequent than we’d like to admit.

Children naturally test boundaries; it’s part of their development. During these trying times, it’s essential to remain calm and ride out the storm. Reflect, reassess, and develop a new strategy when things settle down.

Ultimately, you are not failing as a mother. Remember, the objective isn’t perfection—sometimes it’s simply about survival. And that reality is far from unfit.

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In summary, as a mother, you are not alone in your struggles. Parenting is a challenging journey filled with ups and downs. Embrace the imperfections and know that your efforts, even when they seem inadequate, are part of the essential process of raising well-rounded individuals.


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