Recently, it feels like all my partner and I do is bicker—yet, could this actually be beneficial?
Before the pandemic hit, my spouse and I rarely argued during our two decades together. We’ve been married for fourteen years, and while our relationship hasn’t been perfect, it has been a decent mix of raising four kids, managing a household, and enjoying life in the suburbs. Then came the pandemic (though to be honest, I can’t entirely blame it since he was working from home well before the lockdown), and now we find ourselves in intense shouting matches every few weeks.
For many, this level of conflict might be common, but it’s certainly unusual for us. Sure, I can be a bit fiery and dramatic, but my husband is usually calm and easygoing. You might wonder why he’s suddenly voicing his thoughts and feelings, especially since I tend to believe my perspective is always correct.
It turns out that after years of me overshadowing his dreams and desires, he’s finally starting to express what he wants—and honestly, I’m not thrilled about it. I mean, good for him for having his own opinions and ambitions! But must they come at my expense? I try to keep my conversations with him minimal—why can’t he do the same? Isn’t that what friends are for? (Oh, but he doesn’t really have any friends.)
The dynamic of our relationship has always been that I share my thoughts freely while he listens quietly. On the rare occasions he has offered his own opinion—well, that typically leads to conflict. To avoid this, he has, either out of self-preservation or indifference, stopped sharing his thoughts altogether.
You might be confused. Didn’t I just say I don’t communicate with him much? Well, yes, but “much” is subjective. Ultimately, I’m not keen on learning what he thinks. Often, when I do, I end up feeling disappointed or irritated. I think to myself, “Come on, think better!”
And let’s be real—who wants to remember that their partner has less-than-brilliant thoughts? I’m sure he believes I have my share of silly ideas too; most people do think that way, but he’s too polite to voice it, and I’m too caught up in my own mind to realize it.
It may sound like I’m being unreasonable, and while that’s somewhat true, it’s not the whole picture. For the most part, my husband simply didn’t care enough to have an opinion in the past. I was the one who cared about dinner choices and car colors, so I usually got my way. But whenever he did express a preference—whether for or against something—he generally got it.
In essence, he had a sort of veto power over my decisions, and I’d accommodate him since he rarely had strong feelings. This arrangement worked well until it didn’t, and this past year, during the pandemic, it unravelled.
My husband went through his own midlife crisis, and while I wasn’t particularly thrilled when I faced mine a few years back, he didn’t seem actively upset about it (though perhaps he was; I just didn’t find out because, surprise, he didn’t share). If you’re wondering if I would have cared about his feelings—yes, I absolutely would have. It’s not that I’m indifferent; I just fear being hurt by his opinions.
He was typically supportive in the way that people who aren’t rooting for your downfall can be. Is that supportive enough? He didn’t mind me spending from our joint account on my new hair, clothes, hobbies, and accessories, which reflects his easygoing nature. He only objects when the finances spiral out of control.
Now, out of nowhere, he has opinions—about everything. If he disagrees with me, he makes it clear. And while I suppose that’s okay—he is entitled to his own views—it’s a bit unsettling.
Is this a good change? Yes? No? Maybe?
Here’s the thing: I would never want to dismiss anyone’s feelings, especially not my partner’s. But I’m not thrilled with how he expresses these new feelings. I’m genuinely pleased that he’s discovering what he wants and engaging with life more, but must he share them with me? I firmly believe that others’ opinions about you are your own business—so why does he keep revealing thoughts about me that I never asked for?
I know that eventually, I’ll move past my irritation and embrace the idea of “and” instead of the false dichotomy of “or.” My husband can express his feelings without causing me distress. I can listen to him and simultaneously hold my own perspectives. I can acknowledge my defensiveness and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.
Ultimately, if we remain together (and given the inertia, it seems we will), or even if we don’t (perhaps we’ve both changed too much over two decades), it’s ultimately a positive development for him. It’s good for him to find his voice and pursue his desires—even if they don’t align with mine.
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Summary:
This article discusses the unexpected rise in conflict between a couple after years of a generally harmonious relationship. The author reflects on how the pandemic brought about significant changes in her partner’s behavior, leading him to assert his opinions more, which has caused tension. Despite the challenges, the author recognizes the importance of her husband’s newfound voice and the potential for growth in their relationship.
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