Before the pandemic, my spouse and I rarely clashed during our two decades together. We’ve been married for fourteen years, and while our journey hasn’t been perfect, it has been a fulfilling mix of raising four kids, managing a home, and enjoying suburban life. However, since the onset of the pandemic (and to be fair, he was already working from home before lockdowns began), we’ve found ourselves in intense shouting matches every few weeks.
Now, while this may be common for some couples, it’s certainly not how we typically operate. Sure, I’m naturally dramatic and prone to outbursts, but he’s usually the calm and easy-going one. You might be curious about why he has suddenly started voicing his opinions so strongly (and honestly, I think he’s wrong most of the time). What could he possibly disagree with me on when I clearly embody all that is wonderful and wifely?
Well, it turns out that after years of me overshadowing his dreams, he is finally expressing what he wants and taking steps to pursue those desires — and frankly, I’m not thrilled about it. Good for him, but why do I have to hear about it? I try to limit our conversations; can’t he do the same? After all, isn’t that what friends are for? (Oh wait, he doesn’t have any friends.)
The secret to our relationship has been that I freely share my thoughts while he typically keeps his to himself. I often express my opinions, and he usually listens passively. Whenever he has tried to offer a counterpoint, it has led to conflict. So, to protect himself or perhaps out of indifference, he stopped sharing his thoughts altogether.
You might be wondering if I really don’t engage with him much. I don’t — but it depends on how you define “much.” Ultimately, I’m not eager to hear his opinions. When I do find out what he thinks, I either feel disappointed or annoyed because I wish he would think of better ideas.
Honestly, who wants to be reminded that their partner has silly thoughts? He probably thinks I have my fair share of foolish opinions too — I suspect most people do — but he’s too polite to say anything, and I’m too stubborn to believe otherwise.
Now, I know this makes me sound selfish, and while that’s not entirely inaccurate, it also doesn’t tell the whole story. For a long time, my husband simply didn’t care enough to form opinions, which meant I usually got my way on decisions like car colors or dinner plans. On the rare occasions he did express a preference, I would gladly accommodate him since he usually remained indifferent.
This arrangement worked well — until it didn’t. This past year, however, he went through his own midlife crisis. While he wasn’t exactly supportive when I experienced mine a few years back, he didn’t actively resent me for it either. (Though in retrospect, he may have been unhappy; it’s not like he ever told me.)
And yes, you might be thinking if I would have even cared about his feelings — and I would have! It’s not that I don’t care; I just hate the idea of my feelings being hurt. Just because I can be difficult doesn’t mean I’m devoid of emotions.
He has generally been supportive in a passive way, not actively opposing my endeavors, whether they involved spending money on a new wardrobe or hair. But now, he has opinions about everything. When he disagrees with me, he makes sure I know it. While I recognize he has every right to express himself, I can’t help but wish he would keep some thoughts to himself.
It should be a positive development, right? Yes? No? Maybe both? It’s vital not to dismiss anyone’s feelings, especially not those of my spouse (even if I’m not thrilled with how he expresses them). I’m happy he’s discovering what he wants and beginning to care about things — but why must he share these opinions with me?
I believe that others’ opinions about you are none of your business, so why does he feel the need to tell me what I never asked to hear? Yes, I understand we have responsibilities to each other, but still…
Perhaps when I move past my frustration and resume being a rational adult, I can embrace the idea that we can both express our feelings without conflict. My husband can share his thoughts and not hurt my feelings in the process. I can hear his feelings while still holding onto my own perspective. I can also recognize my defensiveness without judging myself, responding thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively.
If we continue our marriage (and let’s be honest, inertia suggests we will), it’s ultimately a good thing for him to find his voice and pursue what he desires — even if that doesn’t include me.
If you’re interested in exploring more about personal growth during challenging times, check out this insightful post on growth mindset. Additionally, for those navigating the path of parenthood, visit this excellent resource on fertility insurance FAQs.
Search Queries:
- how to handle marital conflict
- communication tips for couples
- working through disagreements in marriage
- midlife crisis in relationships
- finding your voice in a relationship
In summary, my husband and I have shifted from a harmonious relationship to one filled with conflict as he begins to assert his opinions. While challenging, this change might ultimately be a positive step toward growth for both of us.
Leave a Reply